My Fashion Intervention To Myself

When my mother was pregnant with me, she thought she was going to have a boy. So sure was she, that she bought nothing but boy clothes. Like beyond baby clothes. I'm talking toddler to children age 5 spectrum of sizes here. A pastel color or anything with a pony was NOT to be found in the mix.

And when my brother came sixteen months later, my mother, being the cost effective person that she is, decided to let him have my clothes (because duh, they were already boy clothes) and instead bought me a new set of bigger sized boy clothing.

Basically, I didn't wear a dress until I was seven.

 I wasn't even introduced to the color pink till I was nine. It's amazing I didn't have a gender identity crisis when puberty hit. Wait...maybe I did. 

So yeah, that's my fashion backstory. I had to teach myself how to dress like a girl. InStyle magazine was my Bible for many years.

I thought I had it down, you know?

But I just clean cleansed my closet (that's when you empty the whole thing out, vacuum/dust, then put clothes back after you thoroughly inspected them for damage), and I have to go to confession Father-I-Have-Sinned style. There are some tweaks I need to do. I feel like I could spiral out of control if I don't nip it in the bud now. 

STOP BUYING THE FOLLOWING THINGS! (This is me talking to me by the way. Not to anyone else. You do you, Boo.)

•  Black work pants suits. You have more than the days you go to work per week (4). And you probably could survive with just two. It's not like you walk five miles a day. You sit on your ass for twelve hours a day. 

• Black mini skirts. Was Zara's having a sale or something? Is that why there's so many? Fine, you got the skirts but wear them already. You aren't going to have these legs forever, you know. And the shelf life to wear them probably expires in your forties. This fall, you must wear them. Black skirts must all be worn.  

• Black flats. You don't even do ballet, what the fuck, woman? Stop with the black flats. Or buy them in another color or something. I don't know why but the amount you have annoys me. They're so blah. At least have some imagination and get ones with sequins or something. 

• Cardigans. Their assigned drawer won't close, because it's full. And you should get rid of the ones that are piling on you. And get those missing buttons fixed. Don't buy anymore because you really should be wearing your leather jackets. You're really not a cardigan wearing person. You bought them for work. Stop wearing them outside of work. 

• Jeans.  Didn't you get rid of like twenty pairs two years ago? How the hell are there still this many left? And why are you keeping the ones from 12 years ago? You don't have the same body anymore! Accept it. Move on. Buy the next size up. It's not the end of the world, woman. When you wear those old jeans, you harm your body. You have to suck in to zip them. And your reward is you get a painful case of camel toe and lose circulation to your legs. Why are you doing this to yourself? 
• Oh and the Skinny jeans fiasco! You shouldn't be wearing them. Not with your body type (Inverted Triangle/or maybe it was a rectangle? A confused hourglass?). I know you like 'em because they fit so well inside your knee high boots, but in any other case, they look terrible on you. Does your butt no favors. Promise me you won't buy anymore.

• Pajama bottoms. Yes, they're cute and comfy and they're your uniform for winter time, but stop. No more. Wear these ones till they're ratty and buy new, better ones. I think you aren't even wearing all of them, just the same three pairs over and over. I know cause they're the ones with all the stains. 

• Scarves. Technically, you really shouldn't be wearing scarves if you're this top heavy. I read that somewhere, something about adding volume where there's already too much volume. I mean, knowing you, you'll probably still wear em, but just be aware of the silhouette you're creating. 

• Swimsuits. I know, right? You don't even like swimming, so enough with the falls swimsuit shopping you do every year. You have about seven or so suits that you haven't even worn yet. No more till you go to the beach and the salt erodes the material away, okay? 

• Boots. You once asked your girlfriends how many pairs they had and it was an intervention of sorts when you realized theirs wasn't in the double digits. You. Have. An. Addiction.  You need to stop with the boots. Your collection was complete as of last year. You have them all now (mid thigh, knee high, boot cut, ankle x 2). There aren't enough asses to kick with all those boots. 

• You have unworn, new clothes still lounging around because they're like 2 sizes too small. You bought them 9 years ago. Why the hell are you still keeping them around? If you haven't lost the pounds since then, what makes me think you will lose it next week and be able to wear them? If you still haven't worn them by spring, you are donating those things. 

• Wear other colors! You have a coral peach and mint green obsession. Those colors repeat again and again. Buy other colors like cobalt blue or something. Purple, maybe. Or another shade of green. Just anything that's not coral or mint. 

• You are missing some basics I thought you had. You actually need to go shopping for these things. Remember to invest in the good stuff so you don't have to do this again. 
• Pencil Skirt
• Crisp white button down
• Black patent pumps
• Black tights
• Shapewear, like the really expensive ones that lock it down like a boss. No jiggle when you wiggle kinda thing.

Okay, this is your fashion intervention mission. Fix these because you're going to detour into a hot mess in a few years if you don't. I can feel you getting into a rut. This is not the time to relax. You must continue to grow and change your style. Stop sticking to your comfort zone, it's boring. Peel off that onion layer to discover the one underneath.

You're not done discovering yourself.