10 Things I Want To Brag About

It's fall and I'm falling apart.

It happens every year. I'm not sure if it's officially that SAD thing or if it's because of something else. I guess it's sorta the perfect storm. I'm in this new life transition (new job) and the planet is tilting away from the sun, so everything is off balance.

I know I need help. I'm exasperated at how the tears keep ruining my morning makeup. Oh, that reminds me. Buy water-proof mascara. Alice Cooper look is not working for me.

Paul said I'm strong to recognize this and ask for help. Don't worry, seeing doc soon. Just gonna take it day by day for now.

I wanted to share that background so you could understand why I needed to write this post.

I'm self-soothing. I need a break from the weariness. To remind myself of who I am and why I'm pretty great and why that is awesome.

I'm warning you that the rest of this post is going to sound arrogant and not a little conceited. You should stop reading now, because I'm NOT going to apologize for what I'm about to share.  I'm giving the microphone to my Id and benching my Super Ego, who I think might be Catholic because it's telling me I'm going to hell for doing this.

Today, I'm putting away the societal expectation of self-deprecation and instead outright gloat about all the ways being me is pretty damn wonderful.

10 THINGS I WANT TO BRAG ABOUT

1. I am a god. 

Hahaha. Wow, that Id isn't playing around, is it? Give it an inch, it takes the whole ruler. 

But I am a sort of god-like being.

Let me explain...I create. I can make something out of nothing. I write stories, I paint places that don't exist, and for funnsies, I create conflict just because seeing other people upset amuses me. (Paul calls it mindfucking, and I've been doing it since I was a kid. It's sorta my superpower, but I don't use it because with great power comes great liability and they're still looking for who started that food fight.)

But yeah, I'm a god to some things. Certain characters and things would not exist without me. 

2. My brain is an addict.

For facts. Ohmigod, I love learning, because knowledge equals power and I want to rule the world.

My favorite word as a kid was "Why?" and it hasn't changed. 

I  love learning the way meth addicts want another hit. No, worse than that.  I'd do more terrible things for knowledge...Like a terrifying need where blood sacrifice might be involved. Yeah, I'd kill a baby goat to find out where the aliens are hiding.

3. Redbull ain't got shit on me. 

I live in hyper mode. People ingest pills and drink sugar to get to my normal. If my body wasn't so physically broken, I could accomplish two people's to-do list every day. I would fucking rule the world. I'd be CEO of some billion dollar company, make regular trips to Africa to hunt down poachers (Yes, I said hunt. I'd fucking avenge all the elephants they've killed.), and learn how to give my hair a blowout that lasts all day. 

When I drink coffee, my eyelashes vibrate. Tesla would have been my friend. 

4. I can make you pee yourself.

My sense of humor appeared overnight. One day, I was just this tortured angsty mess of a person, and the next I was coated with this lovely sheen that used pain as fuel to radiate colors. I can make most anyone laugh. Usually without effort. I just say what I'm thinking and people laugh. Think about that. Imagine saying something and knowing it's going to be 90% certainty it will be funny.

It would be pretty cool if I didn't know the price I paid for it. I think funny is inversely related to pain. You visited madness and survived; a sense of humor was your souvenir. Sorta like how boobs were my present for enduring unescapable puberty. 

5. I own the word "cute." 

If you're me, you gotta get used to being told every day that you look cute.

No, seriously. Every. Day. 

Because you do. 

I don't know when I knew I had style, but I don't remember NOT ever having it. One of my earliest memories is rocking a gold sequined lamé dress and singing Tina Turner's "Whats Love Got To Do With It?" in a beauty pageant. Mouths dropped open. 

It's a great superpower. I forget to appreciate it, and I'm going to stop. Not just anyone can go to Goodwill and regularly pick out amazing outfits that look unique. 

....okay, I know I said 10 but this is taking longer than I thought and I need to finish that book to make it to the editor by end of month. Also, this post is super long as it is now so I'm going to save the rest of the five for another continued post later. 

UPDATED.

Okay, where was I? Oh, right.

6. My girls aka my ta tas aka my boobies aka my chesticles.

I was in fifth grade. Blinked, became an A. Blinked, became a B. Blinked, and had to stop playing soccer because my chest kept giving me black eyes when I ran.

I've decided to enjoy them while I have them. I got lucky and didn't have to pay for these automatic free passes at femininity. The two of them are pretty cool. I'm hoping they stay that way and don't go all Rebel Alliance on me in the future. Cancer sucks balls. 

Actually, to be perfectly honest, I think boobs are the prettiest things about girls. ...I really should take that Kinsey test and figure out where I am on that scale...but c'mon boobs ARE pretty. It's a shame they got all hypersexualized and you can't even breastfeed in public now without attracting attention from weird old men who slut shame you for doing what nature intended.

7. I would have held out for that second marshmallow. 

There's that experiment they did on kids. Don't worry, not like the Stanford one with the inmates, but one with marshmallow. Kid gets a marshmallow. Told if he waits for five minutes without eating said marshmallow, he will get another one. Turns out lots of kids couldn't hold off and ate the damn thing anyway. I know I wouldn't have been one of them. I would have made it. I blame the nuns, but maybe I should be thanking them. A strong and sick combination of guilt and fear probably makes up my self control. 

8. Bill and Melinda Gates might be my real parents. 

I've always been weirdly generous. Like to the point where people are suspicious of me. I guess I would be suspicious if I met someone like me, too. But it's true. I like to give my time and money and really whatever else I have to things that need it. So yeah, I volunteer all the time for stuff. I like to take my one corner of the world and do some good in it. Just to counter act so much of the bad, I guess. But I don't really tell people all the things I do, but right now? Fine, I'll say it: I'm a good person. 

Whenever I feel my confidence slipping, I really need to remember that. 

9. Nutcracker legs

I regularly do 100 squats and 50 leg lunges on each leg. I could probably crack a Brazilian nut open with my thighs. Strong legs are super important to me because all this sitting down causes muscle atrophy and if I lose my quads, I won't be able to walk anymore. 

But the benefits of doing so many leg exercises? I can rock a skirt. I mean, yeah, it's also thanks to my mom's genes (she's got even better legs!) but genes plus exercise = mini skirts in my wardrobe. Woot, woot! 

10. Steam from my fingertips

I can write sex scenes with very little effort. Like crazy hot scenarios that make people wonder what the hell I've been doing behind closed doors. I didn't realize other people struggled with that until I spoke to some of them. 

Yeah, I don't even have to try. It's just there. That's pretty awesome, right?!

Okay, that's 10. I'm not in the same mood as I was when I began writing this blog so the last five might have a different tone as the first five. But I couldn't have this unfinished. It was bugging me.