My Letter To Me

Dear Me,

You survived another year.

And 2016 was a fucking hard year. You cried a lot because of all the violence in the news. Your heart broke for the world for so many senseless deaths. There were many nights you were frightened and couldn’t sleep. If 2016 was a person, it'd be one of the many white frat boys who raped females and got to go free without the same being done to them in prison because their father wanted them to continue enjoying filet mignons. 

So, you understand why I'd ninja kick it in the balls, and then follow it with a knee to its solar plexus. And because of my rage and perverse pleasure in seeing a deserving asshole spurt red, a right hook to his nose.  

I want it crying, breathless, and bleeding. 

And that's just the beginning of a very long torture scene.

Inner peace, Me. Inner peace. Stuff that anger back in the box. 

Still, I’m proud of you, Me. You're still smiling. 2016 didn't manage to steal all of your joy.

Oh, and I’m really glad you’re still alive. Not only does it mean that you were luckily spared a bullet from some crazy person’s gun, but it also means you defended yourself against the relentless dark that keeps trying to kill you. After so many past battles, you’re wise enough to speak up and get help instead of suffering.

Maybe that’s why you tried harder to be kinder this year. You struck up a conversation with strangers. You tried to do good things for people without expecting anything in return. You often listened more than you talked. You didn’t mind making a fool of yourself to see someone laugh. You realized how precious a stranger’s genuine smile is worth.

That’s really good. Keep doing that.  

On the other hand, you’re no doormat. You stood up to several people this year. You’re definitely not afraid of conflict anymore. You now see conflict as an opportunity for change. The only thing to tweak is the intensity part of your confrontation style. It could use a bit of softening. You use really strong words that tend to destroy people. You don’t need to do that. Temper that tongue of yours. It’s akin to using a nuclear bomb to kill a mouse. Try harder not to let the external world upset your inner peace.

You cause your own suffering.

Remember that.  Life comes with pain. Sucky things will happen. It’s a guarantee that your loved ones will all die. Your body will break down to disease and wasting conditions. You will be fired at some point. You will be wondering how you’ll pay your bills. Everyone you know will seem to be moving up in the world fulfilling their dreams while you seem to be staying still. Hell, you might watch your dreams die. Your heart will break. You will feel abandoned. You will wonder what’s the point of it all.

Accept that this will happen.  Be at peace with it.  Don’t torture yourself. You give it the emotional value that makes you so afraid. It is what it is. You move forward from the event and continue to live. Don’t relive it again and again. Be present. Look around. You’re alive. Take a deep lungful of air and realize what a gift it is you can even do that.

Learn to embrace cheerful despair.

I’m tired of being surprised at the dreadfulness of the news. I really shouldn’t be shocked. I mean, nothing bad we’re seeing now is new. There has always been war, genocide, rape, hunger, dead babies, corrupt politicians, greedy corporations, violence, and hate.  The world hasn’t turned rotten overnight. Man has been cruel from the beginning. I think we thought our incivility would disappear with technological progress, but what’s happened is that we’ve only become less inconvenienced while continuing to be cruel to each other. Now we can take a shit on an indoor toilet while typing a particularly hurtful comment online to someone we don’t know in our Ipads.

It would be best to accept the world’s default as being one where man will most often succumb to ignorance, greed, lust, and power, so that when you see kindness and thoughtfulness you stop and realize it for the rarity that it is.  

Man’s natural nature has never been one of good behavior. We do awful things to each other, and it’s about time that I realize and accept that so I don’t go plummeting into despair each time I turn on the news. I should look at it straight in the eye and get used to it, comforted by one promise: Whatever happens, however many people die or get hurt, whatever awful calamity is coming our way, it is survivable.

That’s not saying YOU will survive it, but man, as a whole, will go on.

And if that doesn’t cheer you up, just remember that you are made up of fragile tubes that pump blood through you. If one of those lines gets cut…well, there’s your escape route. I’m not saying do that right now, but suicide, the last life choice we ultimately have, was a method used by 20 women in Aleepo to escape being raped. It's the unspoken BATNA we all have. 

Anyways, let’s turn this post back to lighter, less dense talk. You're getting too dark and twisty.

What do I want ME to do for 2017?

I want to return to meditating. I was doing so well before this job started. And now, I’ve fallen off the wagon. I am a better version of myself when I meditate. I know that because I've experienced it. I would actually like to try philosophical meditation so I can get a better idea of what’s in my mind.  I have a lot of unpacking to do.   

Oh. And strength training. I’ve stopped doing that too, because of my crazy schedule. But I know that it works because I’m in less pain when I do it. So, go back to doing that, Me.

The comparison thing. You’ve done really well weaning yourself off this poisonous teat. You slipped up this summer when you found your doppelganger but I mean, c’mon, you’re human. (Full disclosure, I still follow her on IG but that's it. I've stopped googling her. I even cancelled the drone I wanted to buy on Amazon to follow her). But don’t forget that you shouldn’t be envying someone else’s life because you working with very little facts here. You’re making up this whole fantasy life that probably doesn’t even exist, all while spraying shit on everything you were blessed with. Don't be a fuckwit. Stop doing that shit. Appreciate what you have. Be able to be the kind of person who genuinely feels happy for some other person's good news. 

Hmm…I guess the theme emerging here is becoming stronger. That’s what I want. I want to be stronger in mind, body, and spirit. I want to be more resilient. I want to fight to stay soft and kind. I want to be the kind of person I want to be friends with. 

I have a friend who is the ultimate Goal Master. She says if your goals don’t scare you, then the goal isn’t big enough.

Is surviving another year a big enough goal, you think? Maybe that's not all I'm saying. I don't just want to survive. I want to improve myself so in 365 days, I can look back at this post and be like, "Yup. Did all that and more, past Me. You're freaking awesome, present Me."

Mic drop on you, 2016. I'm done crying over you.