Bloody Bangs

It's Friday night, and I'm outnumbered in my own home. Three beloved four-legged creatures know they have me at their disposal and they know that I know it. I am ready to serve them as their interim caretaker as Paul is in Cali for a business trip.

I'm not nervous. I have a bat by the front door, another by my bedside table. I have pepper spray, a taser, an alarm system, motion sensor lights, and a dog with the ears of a bat. Wait. Does that work? Are dogs more sensitive to noise than bats, or is it a motion sensor thing? Wouldn't it be more eyes of a bat then? No, ear eyes of a bat. That's it, cuz they see with sound, right?

Shit. I lost my train of thought.

Where was I? Oh, right. I was explaining the defense I have in my fortress of solitude.

I'll be honest, there are things that go bang bang in here as well.

And I really I hate that.

I remember treating GSW patients in trauma.  Lots of young males. It's hard to forget that smell of warm blood and sweaty fear. I'd try to ignore it while I searched for their exit wounds. And later, once the OR team came and rushed them to surgery, I would be left alone, system reeling from too much adrenaline too soon, probably trying to document with shaking hands in that mess of a trauma room: plastic packages ripped open for sterile medical equipment all over the place, gloves piled in the trash, blood on the floor, the telemetry machine beeping like crazy b/c it thinks it's monitoring someone who lost a pulse instead of dead air.

Sigh* I don't know. ...No. I mean, I know. I know exactly where I stand on this whole thing. Hubs and I argued about having one at all before I finally caved. I still hate it. It's like this Tell Tale Heart in my house. I have this weird fear that it'll go off without anyone holding it. Like, it would be enough for it to fire if I looked at it long enough. Crazy, right? I feel some serious bad vibes whenever I see it.

Younger Me would be disappointed in me. I guess Current me is pretty bummed too. I had sworn never ever to succumb to having one inside my house.

But once you get attacked...well, you realize it's survival of the fittest.  And especially as a woman, the odds that someone will overpower you is pretty damn high.

I remember when Columbine happened. I was watching TRL and doing homework. The laughing hosts were just hearing about it. I think the crowd behind them couldn't understand what they were talking about. Two teens did what?

No one realized until later just how dire it was.

And then one by one, more and more shootings and higher and higher death tolls, until nothing sacred was spared. Almost two decades later, most people have gone numb. I mean, sure, they take a second and stop to shake their heads when they hear the news, but it isn't long before they're going on their way again.

It's just a part of life now. You could be doing something normal people do and end up dead.

Think about it. Everything innocent and fun has had a shooting happen. There were shootings at the high school, the mall, the movie theater, the gay club, the elementary school, and lastly, the church one. I mean, it was church! That's supposed to be a sanctuary from all this hate and violence but even though that kid sat in that prayer circle with those people for an hour, it didn't soften his intent to shoot them all dead.

So now we all have 'em. Especially in the South, aka the Bible Belt, aka We-Need-The-Belt-To-Strap-the-Gun-To country.

I think in the coming years, we're going to hear a lot more about shootings. Some crazy statistic like one in three Americans will be involved in an awful shooting by 2020.

I wonder if that's what it'll take for us to do something like what Australia did in the 90s. I think it was '96. There was a bunch of gun shootings back to back in this one year and the whole country just said, "Eff it, give us your guns now." So then people did and then the number of gun deaths dropped by like 90%.

But that's in a country where elected officials still had some semblance of integrity. Most of our leaders are bought now. NRA owns many people in Congress. I don't think they care how many people die if it means they lose their place next to power. Lots of money and greed going on in trade of innocent people's lives. 

It's not even a political thing anymore. It's just basic human decency. I didn't know that was a precious commodity.

I have to tell myself to play pretend a lot lately. My default is already in fear mode so the world hasn't exactly made that any better. I have mini panic attacks that last a few seconds instead of minutes these days. Paul and my close friends tell me I really shouldn't be thinking of this stuff. I'm advised to do that positive thinking shit but I've given it up...actually, no, I think IT has given me up. lol

I don't think I like the flavor of sweet bubble gum pop optimism. My tastes prefer the bitter truth with a dollop of undiluted cynic. I can't help it. My mind lives in the dark and twisty places people don't want to talk about.

Which really sorta sucks tonight.

Because Paul isn't here.

And the house suddenly seems vulnerable to attack.

So, if someone was to barge down the front door and catch me unaware with the intent to harm me, would I be ready?