Killing My Ants

I have a throbbing headache and it's pulsing from the back of my head to the crown part.

Throb.

Throb.

Throb.

Fuckin A.  Let me just type so I can pretend to ignore it.

So, it's been a month. I've been writing more days than not.  I think I've gotten about 15 k words in.


Took a break from Knight manuscript to unearth a YA paranormal I did years ago and just submitted my entry for the Daphne thingy. Worked on those 5k words all week, polishing it till it shone. Now here's to hoping it finals.

Why? I don't know anymore. Does it even matter? Why does it matter? Why are we here? We will all be dead soon.

Shit. Got sucked into an existential mine just then. Sorry about that....Where was I?

Next week is Golden Heart announcements. It's circled on my calendar. I'm embarrassed to admit that b/c I feel like such a dork. I don't know what to think about awards. I am compelled to achieve, you see, so awards sorta are my catnip. (Maggie told me about enneagrams and I took test and I came out as Type 3 which is Achiever so I'll forever care about being the best. And God, I hope not and fuck me if so). But I am also aware that awards are subjective. It's an opinion of some stranger who I don't know so who cares what they think which makes it sorta stupid to think it matters. Besides, Ron (from Parks and Rec) is right. "Awards are stupid. They don't often go to the ones who deserves them, anyway."

And yet, I am counting down the days till March 21st....

Yesterday was 100 days from my bday in June. It is a big one. If I was a dog, I'd be turning 5. And yes, I am freaking out. 

I am not where I want to be as far as this writing dream goes. Sometimes, I sorta get resentful of how much this dream takes from me. It just expects shit to be done, you know? Just so much work and effort for that brief satisfaction. Ugh. Why can't I just be satisfied with being a reader?

 I don't know. I'm in a mood. I do like to create but I am ready to do other things now. Can't I do stand up yet? Or try my hand at acting? Oh! or maybe I could go to mime school.

Then again, maybe I'm talking shit cuz my inbox is insane.

Here are all the work in progresses that need to be effing done.

1. Asia Minor: this is the only one done. But it's not DONE done. I'm under revision process and i would say I'm only 30% in.  It's very good. It's the magnum opus.

Things NOT DONE:

2. Knights story: planning on submitting this for Maggies, so this one really needs some more attention.

3. Untamed Magic: this is a behemoth of a story. Effing epic kinda thing. Paranormal YA. The worldbuilding I had to do was a bitch but I have synopsis done. and atleast 25 k done.

4. Hungry series. ....there are 5 books here. It's a NEEDS series.  2 of them I started. Fuuuuuuck.

so where are we, add 5? ...#9?

9. Quickink: this one is halfway done. I'm kinda bummed I haven't finished it. It was super fun to write. I got like 16k words just gathering dust.

10. The sweet romance MLBB one. Aww, this one is super good. I pitched it and someone really liked it. Eff me for not finishing it

11. Oh! The 5 girl YA series one. Man, that one gets my juices flowing. Total girl power thing. Ugh. Soo meaty conflicts for the heroine.

add 5, so 16.

16. There's the stepbrother/Hamptons one. That one is the political intrigue one. Super easy to write. Why have I not done this yet?

17.  The 3 short story ERs that--FUCK-- I actually bought a cover for. Jesus, forgot about that. I think I have 1 of the 3 done.

so that's plus 3

20. The Preety story. Ugh. I've been wondering about that for years now.  It's basically written in my head already. Ending and everything.

21. OH the Zanessa story. That was going to be a single title romance. Shit. I forgot about that too. Super easy to write.


....so clearly I have plenty of stories in my head. I don't have that problem of not being inspired. I'm plenty inspired. I fart imagination. My inner world is an LSD fueled wonderland.

I don't know why I struggle to continue once I start. What is it about the day-to-day thing that bogs me down? People always say that the hardest step is the first but I call bullshit. I don't have any problems with the first couple of steps. It's the rest that fucks me up.

I know that it's fear. I hate that it's fear. It's this awful thing of fearing it will suck so you never finish. Fear of failure. Fair of worthlessness. Fear of wasting the little time I have left in life. I got loads of fears, dude.

But see on the other side of that is shame cuz I'm absolutely disgustedly humiliated by my lack of follow through. If I didn't finish Asia Minor last year, I am pretty sure I would be spiraling into despair right about now.

And yes, I know, I'm being hard on myself. Everyone keeps saying this. I get it. Well...no, I don't quite get it b/c I don't understand what it means NOT to be hard on yourself. The only way to accomplish anything is to push yourself to the point of pain. THEN you get the goal with sweat, blood and lots of tears.

Isn't this how other people achieve their goals? Or is my method totally psycho?

I think the way to battle perfectionism is through data and hard facts. That's why I've been doing this thing where I literally take a picture of my daily word count and post it on IG. It's a receipt that I am working and doing the best that I can. If I can see that progress, then I'd rather that than this cold company of perfection.

I've decided Knights story needs my attention for now. But soon after back to AM. I gotta just strike this to do list down one a time. Have to somehow manage the manic energy to focus into one thing. Do you have any idea how hard that is for me? It's like...it's like trying to capture all the light from a prism into like that one focused light from an microscope to burn ants alive.

But I have to kill them ants. I guess in this metaphor the ants are my WIPs.

Alright, that's the title of this. Killing My Ants