Renewed Promises to Self

 It's been a minute. What has happened lately? 

Let's see. We've had a few pets die. Sophie then Lilbit, then Pandora, then Abby...and now Max. He has liver cancer. Paul wants to wait a few more weeks before we put him down. I am worried about Max's pain. Dogs don't display pain like humans do. He might be in a lot of pain. I hear liver cancer is painful on humans. 

Paul and I are in a disagreement on when we should do this. I'm worried about pain and Paul is just not ready to let go yet. We're on the same page though. 

Oh!

I published my first book last week. 

Wow. I can't believe I just typed that sentence. 

The shame that occurs after I accomplish something is fucked up. I'm working on it in therapy. It's my stepfather's voice. To attain something, you expect that you'll feel pride. And I am proud of myself, but there's this weird thread of shame that's in there too. 

Like: Why did it take you so long? This wasn't that hard. You would have been finished sooner if you hadn't procrastinated so much. This isn't a big deal. Lots of people write books. You aren't special. Who do you think you are to even feel like you did anything worth talking about? You are nothing. You are not extraordinary, you're just ordinary. 

Okay, woah. That snapped me out of it. 

There's one thing I do know in life and it's that I am extraordinary. That part, I know is true. You can't look at my life trajectory and tell me that my choices didn't create success. I mean, I started out in the jungle of a 3rd world country at my low point, eating rice and sugar for sustenance cuz there was no more food, and barely able to speak English. Now, look at me. I wrote a book in English. And it's really good. And I hope to do it again. 

That's like, truly awesome. That's extraordinary. I am extraordinary. 

Okay. So that just happened. 

That happens more and more these days due to all the therapy. I'm able to stop the negative thinking train on its tracks. Sometimes, it doesn't even get out of the station. 

My next project is another taboo romance. A stepfather/stepdaughter one. I really hope not to look deeply into that from my own life cuz that's eww, ewwwwww, gross. I think the overall power dynamics of such a match is interesting for interesting's sake. Ugggghh. Why am I gonna do this? B/c it'll be hard. I gotta figure out how to do an HEA with this. I feel like it'll be fun. And it's gotta be taboo b/c that's the series' name.