Joy and Misery are fleeting

Black Friday was today. We didn't shop. I went out for Noodles w/ Charity and we discussed how anxious and depressed the both of us were. 

 It's not every day that I go shopping anymore. When I was younger, I did. All the time. I think I was trying to find happiness in retail, and also, being poor for so long, I kinda went a little crazy when I could afford things. Not like buy a car at a whim but definitely buy a $500 ring at Bloomingdale's b/c you wanted to claim your independence. 

I still feel slightly nauseous when I think about the giant box of shoes I got rid of when we moved 3 apartments ago. I just went shopping every time I was off, and no one said no to me, so I was like, whatever. But deep down, I wasn't happy. 

I know what makes me happy now. 

Writing. 

When I'm writing, I'm not miserable. Well, okay, sometimes, if the story isn't going well, I might be miserable. Like right now. I'm sorta miserable because I don't know how the rest of my book is going to go and I hate pantsing it b/c I'm a control freak but I have to if I want this story to come out. It's like when you relax in the john, you know? Not that this story is crap but it does feel like you're giving birth at times.

Creation is messy. I needed to try and to fail over and over again. I am not afraid of failure. I can handle hard work. I'm not afraid of messing up and fixing it. I can fix it if there's material to work with but I can't fix a blank page.

Keep going, Rani. You can do this. You can do this. You do hard things. You've done hard things. You're not scared of hard work. You can do this. Keep going. 

Reactions to what happened

 I am flummoxed. Flabbergasted. In a state of shock. The waves of helplessness come and don't abate. 

What is going to happen to our country?

Life Update

 It's been a minute. I need to write some of this shit down before more time passes. 

I finally published a book. That was last year 2022. 

I'm writing a new book now. 

I started a nonprofit for senior dogs. Well, almost. 

Hell, I've adopted more dogs. Currently at 6 dogs (Albus, Jack Jack, Franklin, Buddy, Beanz, and Chloe) and 2 cats (Karma and Mikey).

I really wish Biden wasn't running for a 2nd term.  

I am happy. Depression has been under control. Pain is under control. I am not taking this for granted. 

I'm back to writing. This is awesome. I hope to finish this book by the end of this month. 

Cinderella retelling or Snow White?

 Ughhh. 

Why did I think this was a good idea? 

I'm having problems figuring out internal motivation. I always struggle w/ internal motivation. It's like an equation that never got properly formulated in my head. 

See a hero has goals and motivations and conflict. Both external and internal. The internal is part of their shard of glass pain. That much I figured out. 

So she wants the house but her stepmother refuses to sell it to her, so she decides to play dirty by blackmailing her stepmother after seducing her stepfather. 

Damn, that's a lot. 

Maybe I should simplify. Brooke wanted me to try a Cinderella trope.

Cinderella: so she's this poor, orphan who goes and gets sent to boarding school (a bad one) and she scrapes by enough on scholarship to go to a University. She comes back home and isn't welcomed by her stepmother. She learns that her stepmother is selling her parent's house. The house she grew up in. It's her one link to the past and now it's going to be taken away. She begs her stepmother to give her the house, but her stepmother says no. She offers to pay for the house if she'll sell it to her. Where are you going to get that money? Don't worry about it. Fine, my inheritance. Oh, you don't have much left. I had to keep the house maintained and raise your stepsisters. Then use your own money. Who do you think you are talking to me like this in my own house? This is my home. You spent my money on it. I'm the adult here. I'm your parent. You've never been a parent to me. You didn't even show up to any one my graduations. 

Renewed Promises to Self

 It's been a minute. What has happened lately? 

Let's see. We've had a few pets die. Sophie then Lilbit, then Pandora, then Abby...and now Max. He has liver cancer. Paul wants to wait a few more weeks before we put him down. I am worried about Max's pain. Dogs don't display pain like humans do. He might be in a lot of pain. I hear liver cancer is painful on humans. 

Paul and I are in a disagreement on when we should do this. I'm worried about pain and Paul is just not ready to let go yet. We're on the same page though. 

Oh!

I published my first book last week. 

Wow. I can't believe I just typed that sentence. 

The shame that occurs after I accomplish something is fucked up. I'm working on it in therapy. It's my stepfather's voice. To attain something, you expect that you'll feel pride. And I am proud of myself, but there's this weird thread of shame that's in there too. 

Like: Why did it take you so long? This wasn't that hard. You would have been finished sooner if you hadn't procrastinated so much. This isn't a big deal. Lots of people write books. You aren't special. Who do you think you are to even feel like you did anything worth talking about? You are nothing. You are not extraordinary, you're just ordinary. 

Okay, woah. That snapped me out of it. 

There's one thing I do know in life and it's that I am extraordinary. That part, I know is true. You can't look at my life trajectory and tell me that my choices didn't create success. I mean, I started out in the jungle of a 3rd world country at my low point, eating rice and sugar for sustenance cuz there was no more food, and barely able to speak English. Now, look at me. I wrote a book in English. And it's really good. And I hope to do it again. 

That's like, truly awesome. That's extraordinary. I am extraordinary. 

Okay. So that just happened. 

That happens more and more these days due to all the therapy. I'm able to stop the negative thinking train on its tracks. Sometimes, it doesn't even get out of the station. 

My next project is another taboo romance. A stepfather/stepdaughter one. I really hope not to look deeply into that from my own life cuz that's eww, ewwwwww, gross. I think the overall power dynamics of such a match is interesting for interesting's sake. Ugggghh. Why am I gonna do this? B/c it'll be hard. I gotta figure out how to do an HEA with this. I feel like it'll be fun. And it's gotta be taboo b/c that's the series' name. 

What Makes You Lose Track Of Time

There was a time before social media where I would lose track of time by accident. Nowadays, that ability has sort of been hacked for monetary gain. But apart from social media's like this and like that. Post this and post that. Etc. kinda world...I am trying to remember the things that makes me lose track of time. I think if I could get back to doing those as often as possible, that I could probably be as happy as I can be. 

1. Reading. This one is easy and obvious. Yes, of course. I can read and read and read for hours. Days even.

2. Writing. When it's going good. When I'm not revising. When it's first draft and anything is possible. When no one has read it yet and given me their opinion.

3. Painting. 

4. Gardening.

5. Organizing

6. Cooking

7. Cleaning

8. Watching Youtube vids on medicine or science or philosophy

9. Shopping

10. Talking to girlfriends. 

11. Music

12. I guess if I'm sad and distracted, I can lose track of time. Time feels really slow then. 

13. Instagram

14. Pinterest. Specially when I look for outfits or skincare stuff. 

15. Planner stuff. Something about those stickers, man.

16. Looking for new music. 

17. Online shopping for things I don't really need and don't plan to buy but do like to put in my cart. 

18. Vid chatting w/ friends/

What Would You Do If You Were Not Afraid

1. Speak in public. I'm talking where there's a spotlight on me.

shit... I'm gonna have to do M&M, aren't I?

Biggest Regret

What did you learn from your biggest regret?

Mrs. Brewer...I think her name was. She was my AP American History teacher in high school.

She refused to sign off on me taking the AP exam.

And so...I didn't.

And I could've. I didn't need her permission to do it.

I regret letting her stop me. I let that old bitch tell me what to do. I let myself believe she was right, and that I wasn't worthy. And she was wrong. That bitch was wrong.

I'm still trying to find my worth even now, but man, that hurt.

Lesson learned? Never to doubt myself. Never to let someone who is an authority cause me to question what I can do. Not to let someone take my power like that ever again.

I mean, It worked out in the end, but what if I had missed an opportunity because of that? What if there's something else I could have done and I missed it b/c I listened to some idiot?

Ugh. Never again.

Trust yourself. Trust your gut. And even if doubt yourself, do it anyway. Don't let someone naysay what you can do. 

Time Wasted

What do you spend too much time doing?

I think I do too much instagram and pinterest. Probably YouTube too. I like the pretty pictures and the ideas. Also with YouTube there are educational things but I'll admit, I do get into that rabbit hole of super hero theories and Rick and Morty philosophy breakdowns and then move on to WatchMojo. My interests are all over the place, lol.

Also, if I'm not careful, I can do too much cleaning but that's kinda not too bad b/c I do like my environment to be clean. Also, it's helpful to have an organized closet for mornings where I'm running late.

I think I'm getting better about not worrying so much about what people think about me. Seeing a therapist helps a lot with that.

Let's see...what else. Probably driving. I do a lot of driving and traffic is a bitch. Also, we live hella far from the city so anywhere worth going to is going to take at least half an hour.

Oh, and once it gets warm, I'll probably spend too much time in the garden. But I don't mind that. I love doing that stuff. The nursery is far but it makes me so happy to see those plants. So fuck it, let's go. Let's plant shit and watch it grow.


I think I'm much better than what I used to be. A few years ago, I'd say I spend too much  online shopping. There was a lot of that probably b/c I was so unhappy.  I should have been saving that money instead. I think I spent WAAAAy too much time on FB. I'm glad I kicked that addiction last year. 

What Do I Want To Let Go Of?

There's probably a lot I could cut off me. (Metaphorically)

-PERFECTIONISM: I think good enough is probably something I need to accept more of. Otherwise, I'll just keep revising and rewriting the beginning chapters of Asia Minor till I die. 

-EXPECTATIONS: I think the disappointment that comes from not having them met. Especially when it comes to how other people treat me, is something I need to let go of. No one is going to treat me the way I want to be treated. Well, not those who don't love me. I think I expect too much of people, and of course, they always end up disappointing me. I'm learning not to do this though, so it doesn't hurt as much anymore.

-COMPARISON: Oh, Lord, you are evil. You need to die a permanent death. I don't know why you keep coming back. 

-THE PAST: it happened. Let it go. Forgive them. Yes, it sucks, but move forward. You've got a chance to make a better future. Don't keep looking back. 

-My INNER TROLL: That bitch is awful. I'd like her to get weaker. I need to listen more on the motivational guru. She's the mother I never had. She's also the motivation I think when I want to procrastinate. I think she's probably who I need to listen to more. She's the key to my success. Kindness, not punishment.