2 Epiphanies in 1 day

So I was talking to Tina. Whining about how little I had written all week. Normally, I produce more than a couple of hundred words. A few weeks ago, I was popping out 1500 words/day like it was nothing. I felt good on the days I met a 3000 word count. 

So yeah, me slacker, you get the picture. 

I was ranting when she said something that made me stop and look back.


"You have grown so much this past year. Don't you remember back in February, you didn't think you worth anything without a job! Now look at you. You're following your dreams. And instead of saying you aren't worthy of it, you're complaining about not meeting your word count. I mean, look how far you've come!"

This reflection was huge. 

I am too hard on myself. I know that. It's a flaw that I've made peace with. I will always be driven. I will always push past my comfort. The gaping chasm inside me needs to be filled and so I tackle my goals to help shine a light down that deep, dank hole. Good God, that sounds so deep and dramatic, let's move on.

So yeah, worked on Chapter 14, on Chapter 15 now. Tomorrow hoping to finish Chapter 16. 

Oh! Forgot to mention second epiphany for today. Said by hubby, not by me.

So, since everyone found out about my pursuit for happiness i.e. writing a novel and becoming all legit on that, people have been asking me "How's the book coming?"

My mother asks. "So how's the book going?"
My friends ask. "How's the book going?"
Hell, people I don't expect to ask, ask.

It was becoming a problem. 

Especially because muse has been silent lately. I think she's out watching Magic Mike for the upteenth time. So instead of sitting my ass down in front of the computer, I'm resorted to coping mechanisms. I clean, I organize, and I rearrange. I like to think its a symbolic thing. Like if I could get inside my head, I would do the very same things but I'm stuck in the metaphysical world so I have to touch actual things to bear through it. 

So yeah, I was complaining (I might have a problem with this, realizing that now as I write this) to hubs about it. And he said, "You can't blame them. In a way, you should expect this. They are living vicariously through you."

So. Wait. 

Does that mean these people are the same people who aren't following their dreams? How many people actually have the guts to follow their dreams? Are they waiting for me to fail? What if I do fail, will I have the strength to get back on the horse? 

I didn't realize so many of these things until today. Everyone is watching and waiting. Whatever happens. Success or failure (don't think this exists), I hope I'll give them something to talk about.