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| When am I going to get it together? |
1.) Being Fear's bitch (aka worrying): Yup. This happens a lot. I am one hella anxious chick. I worry about everything. EVERYTHING. Sometimes, I get myself to sleep by saying all the things I'm worried about. My husband shakes his head when he hears my fears out loud, amazed at the depth of my neuroticism (don't think it's a word, but it is now). I've started to write my worries down after I kept going on and on for almost half an hour one night. It has helped a lot.
I've wasted a lot of time worrying. Worrying is useless activity that give back a relentless cycle of misery. Doing it wastes what little time I have to enjoy my life. I know it's a reaction to this scary, scary, fucked up world, but doing it is not going to protect me and my loved ones from having bad shit happen to us. It isn't. Shit will still happen. The time I've spent worrying will not fix that.
2.) Diving into the never-ending well of knowledge: It's important to know all the facts before you do something, of course it is. But I take it to another level. I will research and research and research past the point that normal people learn about something. I waste time learning shit I already know about because then I don't have to make a decision or do the very thing I'm supposed to be learning about. I know I do it because it gives me an illusion of control. Facts are my baby blanket. I use information to distance myself from feeling the fear. (At least, I think I do. I think #1 probably uses it for fuel.) And here's the thing, that well? It never ends. You can keep going and going baby. One more article. One more link. One more book. One more. Just one more. Then I'll know everything and be the master of the universe and become the guru of knowledge that everyone will come to for answers. Yeah. That's never going to happen. I have to cut this out.
3.) People pleasing: Holy shit, this is a demon that just won't die. Mine keeps digging itself out of the grave I buried it in. And damn, is it monstrous! Mine got fed on steroids after I was raised to be obedient early on. I thought if I was obedient, then I would be loved and that monster got strong. If I followed what you wanted me to be, then you would like me and love me. How sad is that? I was going to let myself be someone's Play-doh. I was going to relinquish all power over my thoughts and let someone else's opinion shape me into whatever they wanted. No wonder my demon won't die.
Yeah, so my particular PP demon is strong, and it will shape me into someone mediocre if I let it. The only way I could weaken it is to remember that if it lives, it would kill the authentic part of me that made me different from everyone else. That little bit of my soul that no one else has is a fragile thing. I had to stop giving any damns so I could protect that. Become The Giver of No Damns. I promise you, it'll change your life. It'll free you. You will become so much happier. For a little while anyway. Like I said, this thing will come back.
4.) Bully myself: Sometimes, I want to punch my inner voice in the crotch. She's the amalgamation of all the bullies in my life but she sounds like me. She's effing evil. Sooo mean. If I'm having a really bad time of it, she doesn't care. She'll continue her ribbing even while I'm crying. And I just let her. I don't say anything back. What is the matter with me? She lives without consequences inside my psyche, chipping away at my self confidence.
I've discovered that I'm more likely to protect someone else when they're being bullied than myself. I see red and what's weird is that fear of confrontation I had for the bully goes away when I see them picking on someone smaller. I'm not afraid of being hurt as long as the weak aren't victimized. So you have to imagine that your inner bully is picking on a seven year old child. You've been this child. You know this child. You are this child. And she's saying all the mean vitriol she directed at you at this small defenseless thing.
Try it and see what happens. You'll tap into your inner awesomeness. It's a nice natural high.
5.) Having Tiger-Mom standards: I grew up in an Asian household. I know this shit exists.
"It's not good enough to get a 96 on the test. You should have gotten a 100. You're so stupid."
Yeah. That really happened. And what's worse? After a while, it wasn't even my parents saying it...it was myself.
You're not good enough.
This is my curse. That fucking sentence is my prison. Not. Good. Enough. I literally had to write "You are enough" on my bathroom mirror with a lipstick and look at it every day for an entire year to even start believing it. I mean, what the hell is that?! Where is this kind of self punishment coming from?
I used to think that I could tame it, that I could Tai Chi it into ambition. It's not good enough to go to university, go get your Masters. Oh, you just have one. Go get another. So what? You have two graduate degrees, it's not a PhD. Go get a PhD. You ain't shit until you have that after your name.
Fuck, I couldn't control it. It never ended. There was always another thing to do. And it wasn't even like I wanted to do it. I was chasing something I didn't even want.
To get off the ride, I had to really look at what I wanted in life. What the hell was I chasing? Self validation? What was my own definition of success? What the hell was at the end of the rainbow? What did I really want? What was going to make me happy? What would give my life meaning and pleasure?
So....lol. Yeah. Those are the 5 ways I screw up my life. It's not everyday that I do all 5. Being aware of them helps. Naming your vices weakens them.
I've wasted a lot of time worrying. Worrying is useless activity that give back a relentless cycle of misery. Doing it wastes what little time I have to enjoy my life. I know it's a reaction to this scary, scary, fucked up world, but doing it is not going to protect me and my loved ones from having bad shit happen to us. It isn't. Shit will still happen. The time I've spent worrying will not fix that.
2.) Diving into the never-ending well of knowledge: It's important to know all the facts before you do something, of course it is. But I take it to another level. I will research and research and research past the point that normal people learn about something. I waste time learning shit I already know about because then I don't have to make a decision or do the very thing I'm supposed to be learning about. I know I do it because it gives me an illusion of control. Facts are my baby blanket. I use information to distance myself from feeling the fear. (At least, I think I do. I think #1 probably uses it for fuel.) And here's the thing, that well? It never ends. You can keep going and going baby. One more article. One more link. One more book. One more. Just one more. Then I'll know everything and be the master of the universe and become the guru of knowledge that everyone will come to for answers. Yeah. That's never going to happen. I have to cut this out.
3.) People pleasing: Holy shit, this is a demon that just won't die. Mine keeps digging itself out of the grave I buried it in. And damn, is it monstrous! Mine got fed on steroids after I was raised to be obedient early on. I thought if I was obedient, then I would be loved and that monster got strong. If I followed what you wanted me to be, then you would like me and love me. How sad is that? I was going to let myself be someone's Play-doh. I was going to relinquish all power over my thoughts and let someone else's opinion shape me into whatever they wanted. No wonder my demon won't die.
Yeah, so my particular PP demon is strong, and it will shape me into someone mediocre if I let it. The only way I could weaken it is to remember that if it lives, it would kill the authentic part of me that made me different from everyone else. That little bit of my soul that no one else has is a fragile thing. I had to stop giving any damns so I could protect that. Become The Giver of No Damns. I promise you, it'll change your life. It'll free you. You will become so much happier. For a little while anyway. Like I said, this thing will come back.
4.) Bully myself: Sometimes, I want to punch my inner voice in the crotch. She's the amalgamation of all the bullies in my life but she sounds like me. She's effing evil. Sooo mean. If I'm having a really bad time of it, she doesn't care. She'll continue her ribbing even while I'm crying. And I just let her. I don't say anything back. What is the matter with me? She lives without consequences inside my psyche, chipping away at my self confidence.
I've discovered that I'm more likely to protect someone else when they're being bullied than myself. I see red and what's weird is that fear of confrontation I had for the bully goes away when I see them picking on someone smaller. I'm not afraid of being hurt as long as the weak aren't victimized. So you have to imagine that your inner bully is picking on a seven year old child. You've been this child. You know this child. You are this child. And she's saying all the mean vitriol she directed at you at this small defenseless thing.
Try it and see what happens. You'll tap into your inner awesomeness. It's a nice natural high.
5.) Having Tiger-Mom standards: I grew up in an Asian household. I know this shit exists.
"It's not good enough to get a 96 on the test. You should have gotten a 100. You're so stupid."
Yeah. That really happened. And what's worse? After a while, it wasn't even my parents saying it...it was myself.
You're not good enough.
This is my curse. That fucking sentence is my prison. Not. Good. Enough. I literally had to write "You are enough" on my bathroom mirror with a lipstick and look at it every day for an entire year to even start believing it. I mean, what the hell is that?! Where is this kind of self punishment coming from?
I used to think that I could tame it, that I could Tai Chi it into ambition. It's not good enough to go to university, go get your Masters. Oh, you just have one. Go get another. So what? You have two graduate degrees, it's not a PhD. Go get a PhD. You ain't shit until you have that after your name.
Fuck, I couldn't control it. It never ended. There was always another thing to do. And it wasn't even like I wanted to do it. I was chasing something I didn't even want.
To get off the ride, I had to really look at what I wanted in life. What the hell was I chasing? Self validation? What was my own definition of success? What the hell was at the end of the rainbow? What did I really want? What was going to make me happy? What would give my life meaning and pleasure?
So....lol. Yeah. Those are the 5 ways I screw up my life. It's not everyday that I do all 5. Being aware of them helps. Naming your vices weakens them.
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