Brother, where art thou?

I'm so upset I can't even meditate this morning. So I've given up and I'm just going to write down what I'm feeling. Hopefully, that will drain some of this bad energy out of me.

I hope he isn't like this boy in this pic.

We all cope in our own ways. I think teenagers don't have the capacity for deep introspection (they're brains aren't fully developed yet) so the only tool they can use is anger. That's what's happening now. My youngest brother is using anger and indifference to survive that house. I mean, I can't really judge. I did the same thing. I pushed everyone away and turned into a little shit because the pain was too much to handle.

He'll graduate in four years. I've calculated that he's got another 1,530 days left before he's free of the prison sentence that is my stepfather. 

Out of all my brothers, he was the one I was most worried about.  I am the oldest. J is next, he became a master strategist. He sees every confrontation as a chess game of power. R, is second to youngest, he became a cross between a robot and a turtle. The kid just shuts down and hides into his shell. But the youngest? The youngest has a mouth on him. Always has to answer back. Always has to have the last word. Always forgets to wear some kind of safety suit before dealing with our stepfather's acidic vitriol. 

Early this morning, youngest told me to stop trying to reach out to him. That I need to move on and stop trying to be part of his life. That he doesn't care. That we don't talk that much anyway. All very cold and cruel things to say to a sister who is desperately trying to reach out to you. 

It's hard to picture the sweet kid that he was just a year ago. He's making that journey deep into the woods to find his identity. I just hope he doesn't come out with a chip on his shoulder and no heart. The kid has a lot of heart. Like I said, I've been worried about what would happen once R leaves for college. At least those two had each other. But what happens now? What will the youngest do? How will he cope? Teen years in that house are hellish. And stepfather is closer turning 75 this year. Each year, he is more bitter and unpredictable. 

It's been fifteen years since I left that house and I'm still terrified of that man. My fear comes back the minute I see him. Everyone else sees a man but I see what he really is underneath. That's probably why he's always hated me. I'm not fooled by his fake charm. 

What is going to happen? I don't know. It's out of my hands. But I'll give the kid his space. He'll have to figure it out on his own like we all did. I wish he didn't have to do it alone. 


Image by imgarcade.com