Bad Friend

I am a bad friend.

I surround myself with the people I want to be like. Positive role models. Women I aspire to be.

I'm proud of them, I am. I genuinely feel happy for their successes. I am the first to stand and clap for them.

But I cannot read their work.

And that is why I feel like I'm a bad friend.



It's not that their work is bad. It's not. I know that because I'm not friends with stupid people. They're all very intelligent, erudite females. I've read the work in its early stages, I know most of it is good. I don't mind beta reading it all till kingdom come. It's when I see the resulting polished effect that I can't stand to be near their work.

It's because I know myself. I know my weaknesses and my fragile ego. I know myself enough to be wise to the fathomless holes I might stumble on as I have in the past. I'm not ready to read their work yet without feeling the atomic blast of intense self hatred.

I'm just not mature enough yet. It's as simple as that.

It's different if I read the book and then we became friends. I don't mind that. But if I knew you before you were published, I can't read your book. It's a weird, fucked up thing about me that I've discovered recently.

I told you, I'm a bad friend. I'm not perfect. I know that. I want to be a good friend. I want to stay your good friend. If I don't read your book, it's actually helping me stay your good friend.

Because I know me. I know that slithering scaly green eyed monster that lives in me. And it hasn't been fed in a while. Your book is a tasty morsel of flesh it would love to pierce with its poisoned fangs.

And I'm authentic enough to know I want to stay true and not fake. Because regardless of whether the book is good or bad, I will become fake.

If it's bad, I will have to pretend it's good and hate myself for lying to your face. All the while, cheering inside b/c it was bad and I know I could do better.

If it's good, then I will tell you the truth but the truth is poison to me and I will slowly start to resent and hate you because of the jealousy in me.

So it's really best if I don't read your book and just tell you how proud I am of you.

Maybe once I've achieved the same thing, I won't hate myself anymore. Maybe then, I can be at a better place so I can read your body of work without lashing myself for not doing the same.