Cultivating Certain Personal Traits

My friend called me, upset. She just left her sister's house. It was her sister's birthday this past weekend. Her sister spent the whole weekend acting like a spoiled, ungrateful, and crying mess.

I was surprised to hear this. I suppose I made the mistake of forgetting. Forgetting that the pictures on people's FB pages are not a true representation of their real life. 

There are people who smile and laugh in pictures. It's easy to assume that they have open minds and open hearts. But that is all a lie. And trying to keep that facade up so the whole world thinks you are that person must be exhausting.  

My own birthday is coming up. I would like to remind myself of some traits I'd like to work on in the future.

Empathy.  I have struggled with this. I have confused it with sympathy. There was an entire year that I wondered if I was a robot because I was so analytical that I found tears annoying. I would rather solve the problem than deal with their emotions. I thought I was being helpful. Turns out I was being cruel and insensitive. It's that quote from Maya: "It's not what you did, it's how you made them feel" that I have to remind myself with.

Confidence. Oh, sweet Mother of God. This one gets me every time. I struggle with this hourly. About everything. Especially my accomplishments. I have a terrible case of imposter syndrome. I have to remind myself that I am not faking anything. I did everything I said I would do. My resume is 100% true and it intimidates most HR reps. I really am just that awesome. Feeling like I'm not is ridiculous. 

Patience.  I have to stop looking for perfect. It's never going to be perfect. Perfect is boring. Perfect sucks. I'm learning to be more realistic about my dreams. Stop saying "I should have..." and instead say "It would have been nice" or "I'd have preferred that...". Should is too much pressure. Give it enough time and work and most things turn out my way. 

Hope. I do struggle with this one. To me, hoping makes me feel like a fool. I feel like I'm lying to myself about reality. It's not bad to hope a little. I think I'm worried that I'll take it too extreme and live with my head in the clouds if I allow myself to hope. 

Politeness. I'm hella awkward face to face with strangers. Because of that, my actions seem premeditated...well, because they are. I'm thinking about what happens next so the other person doesn't think I'm ...well whatever. But by over thinking this, sometimes I do some rude ass shit. Like interrupt them when they're talking. Or not excusing myself when I'm leaving the conversation. 

And now, the traits I'm pretty good at.

Self awareness. Yes, I'm good at this. I don't blame the world for what I'm feeling. I think as an introvert, I do this naturally anyway. When you spend a lot of your time by yourself, you don't blame others. That's not really an option you think about. 

Humor. This was an accident. A happy one. I don't try to be funny. I just say what I'm thinking and people laugh. Well, my friends do anyway. A friend once told me that the way I see the world is different from the way everyone else sees it. I think everyone can say this. Maybe some people are more bizarre than others. Whatever it is, I own this. I'm happy to make people and myself laugh. 

Sacrifice. Yeah, this was never a problem for me. I can give up anything for anyone I love. I'm not afraid of giving time or money for other people. It's easy for me. 

Resilience. This is a good one to have. I mean, while you're going through the storm, you think you won't survive but you do. I mean, I did. You need this part. Otherwise, adversity will make you its bitch. You have to make adversity your bitch. lol. Life is struggle. Life is pain. You have to roll with the punches. Make the best of it. Survive another day without holding on to the past's bitterness. 

Forgiveness. I learned early on that if I didn't learn to forgive that I was shooting myself in the foot. It's a slow poison if you don't forgive whoever it is you're mad at. The hardest person to forgive has been myself. That is some heavy shit that I'm proud I've done. But yeah, I try to forgive as quickly as I can so I can move on and keep my joy. You don't want to hold on to that baggage. It gets heavy and there's nothing there that you need. Just let it go. 

I want to be better this year. My birthday is a good time to assess how I've been as a person. I think I need to be more hopeful and positive. That might never really get fulfilled. I mean, if I'm being honest, I know me. I'm a pessimistic person. I'll strive for that but I shouldn't be impatient with it. It might not happen for a long time.