Be kind

I don't know how to be kinder to myself. 

I mean, I tell myself all the time to be kinder. I repeat mantras and shit. Doesn't work.

Like tonight, I heard this story about this writer whose life got changed after septic shock. She had to get her leg amputated, go on dialysis, be put on a pacemaker. She said afterwards, she was kinder to herself especially writing.

Yeah, my fucked up brain said. "She wrote four books and two novellas while she was recuperating. What the fuck is wrong with you that you haven't done that and you're perfectly healthy?"

My battle with this inner critic is ongoing. She's toxic. It's a hermaphrodite, really. When it's a he, it takes the shape of my step father. And I can't really ever get him out of my head. Even when he dies, he will live on in my head, forever mind fucking me till I'm dead. 

I think it's little steps. Lately, I've been reminding myself to take deep breaths. I notice I stop breathing when I'm driving. When I get a red light, I breathe. I imagine myself breathing out the toxic thoughts and breathing in the peaceful emphathetic ones. 

I want to be kinder. I need to be kinder. Because if I'm not kind to myself, I really can't be kind to anyone. Not really. Not without effort. I want to be kind to myself first because that is the best place to start healing the world's multitude of hurts.