It's in my nature to care about what people think. I don't want to rub anyone the wrong way. It feels wrong to go against that. But then one day, just as I was starting to worry what someone must think of me (yet again), I woke up.
Why did I keep trying to do this? When did I think having the whole world like me was a goal I needed to accomplish? Could I even do it?
It feels impossible, because it is impossible.
I'm trying to win over someone's thoughts. I can't control someone's thoughts. Nobody can. It's pointless. And why would you want to? It's a thought. We have thousands of them a day. One measly little idea shouldn't be honored with this much attention.
I mean, think about it, you are a living, breathing human being. A thought isn't. It doesn't have a pulse, it doesn't live a life, and it can't alter reality. Like blown bubbles, it appears and pops. It can live for a few seconds or years, depending on you and your level of neurosis (mine is pretty high).
The next time someone criticize you, here's what I suggest to do.
1.) Leash the Ego.
Down, boy. It's okay. It's just an opinion. You're not physically harmed. Don't automatically go on defense mode. It's just noise coming from someone's mouth. It's just symbols formed into letters that connect into words on the screen. If you couldn't speak the language or read, it wouldn't mean anything. You are the one assigning it meaning. If you don't care, it's worthless.
2.) Consider who the criticism is coming from.
Why might this person be upset? Why are they saying what they're saying?
If it's from some troll on the internet, don't bother getting angry. Instead, you should pity and forgive them. Yes, forgive. For someone to lash out with that kind of vitriol to a stranger they don't even know, they must be in a great deal of pain. They are probably living lives of worse than prisons, surrounded by other miserable people, festering in their own rotting potential. They are pitiable, poor, unfortunates cowards who want to have a little attention (even if it's anger) from someone as awesome as you. Really, it's not worth the effort. Move on. Don't let their ish tarnish your awesomeness. Keep doing you.
If it's from a kind stranger, consider what they are saying. You don't have to do anything you don't want to, but sometimes there are golden nuggets in their comments. Sometimes, not. It's up to you whether you want to pan for them.
Now on the other end of the spectrum.
If it's from a friend/close acquaintance, ask yourself if they are living the kind of life you'd like to live, a.k.a. do THEY have their shit together? If they do, realize that their criticism is a gift. They are trying to help you.
If they don't (or your gut is telling you they're coming from a ratchet place), they might be criticizing just to criticize. Frenemy list they go. You just saved yourself some time and effort from having to continue breathing life into that relationship.
There's a simple test: Ask them for specifics. "I hear you and I'd like to improve. Is there anything specific you would advise me to fix to make this even better?"
If they can name specific examples, not just generalities, then consider what their saying. If they shrug and say, "I don't know. It just didn't feel right" or some vague statement that doesn't help you at all, then unsubscribe from their opinions.
3. Feel the Upset.
All of it. Don't have any leftovers of that pain. You wouldn't stub your toe and save some of that agony to feel later. No, of course not. You feel it, acknowledge it hurts (hop around and moan. If you're me, then unleash all the curse words you know while laughing/crying), and then you learn to move around the coffee table next time. You wouldn't let that one moment ruin your whole day. You'd probably even forget it happened the next day.
Now try to put that into criticism.
Yeah, initially, you'll probably be butt-hurt. You thought what you did was great. You're still flushed from the success of completing the task. So, when you get a bad review or some negative comment, don't box it and take it out later. Take a moment (that's key here, no more than a few heartbeats) to feel what you feel. Be sad, be mad, feel bad. Consider doing an ugly cry in the corner. Whatever you do, just try to remember that it's your work that is being commented on, not your value as a person.
4. The creation is the one being picked on, not the creator.
The creator part of you is special. I don't know about you, but whenever I'm creating something, it feels like I am tapping into my inner child. We all carry that pure soul with us. You gotta toughen up and protect this child. It's what helped you get inspired in the first place. Don't let anyone bully that kid. That kid rocks. If you let anyone pick on it, then it won't come out and play with you anymore.
5. Accept your life's lunch.
It's the shit sandwich (that's Elizabeth Gilbert's term) that comes with what you love to do. I had to realize that if I'm going to continue doing anything creative, I will always be criticized. And yeah, it hurts because creating anything and showing it to the world is some hardcore vulnerability. It feels like someone is judging your naked self and pointing to your belly pouch, takes a picture, uploads it to Twitter as #NotGoodEnough.
Well, so what? There's always a downside to everything. God knows what the shit sandwich is for plumbers, or people who have to inseminate cows, or Ronda Rousey's next opponent.
6. Your existence is independent of the good and the bad opinion of others.
Okay, so they say your work is shit. Great. So what? You're still breathing right? You get to eat and fuck and live, right? Does their opinion get to do that? No? Then, who gives a flying fuck? Seriously, so what if you created something the world thinks is shitty. Oh, fucking well. Tomorrow, after you finish that bottle of red with a bag of cheese puffs, you're gonna create something new, and it'll be even better. Will their opinion get that chance? No? Then, why give a shit? You're not going to have it knock on your door one day.
7. Keep growing.
Focus on the depth and the quality of your work. Don't let the spectators affect your game. It is YOU in that arena. You are the one with the dirt over your sweaty face. You are the one who dared to try. You are the one who tried to fly and meet the sun.
There's something epic about that. Do you realize how few people have the guts to do that? Most people are too scared to try. You are trying. You're a winner already, don't you get it? It doesn't matter if you created a success or a failure. You DID something. Don't let them keep you from DOING the next thing. You are doing this thing because it makes you happy. It gives your life purpose. You're really going to let them steal your joy with an opinion? Really? You're not gonna fight for it? Just hand it over like it's worthless? Like people just stumble on their life purpose everyday? Like it's easy to find that thing, that spark, that makes this thing called life worth enduring?
So in the end, what you should realize is that you're bigger than an opinion. It's like a god bowing to an ant. It all depends on you and how you choose to react.
The power isn't in their hands. As Captain Planet reminds us, "The power is yours!"
Oh, quick disclaimer: I'm not this wise. I just watch a lot of MarieTV (Marie Forleo) and Actualized.org (Leo) and shaped their advice to fit my life. Don't think I have my shit together from this one post.
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