Worrying About the Possibilities

I've forgotten what it feels like not to be scared. These days, I exist in this constant state of anxiety that makes sleeping difficult. It's so bad that I've had to adjust my emotional default settings to cope. I can go from zero to panic to neutral in twenty seconds. I'm sure my adrenal glands are confused by this trigger happy existence, but I know I'm not the only one living like this.

This isn't going to be a post about what should or shouldn't happen regarding the gun problem we have. There are enough people talking about it. Besides, it's pointless to join since the topic has been at a stalemate for years. Shrug* I doubt we will ever do what Australia did. I wish, but it won't happen here. 

As a child, I worried. Mostly about being forgotten, but that's another story. 

As an adult, my worry list is lined with fear.  Here's a short list of them. Top 5 of the 50. 

1.) I worry about going to Kroger and being a victim of another mass shooting. This is the South, everyone has a gun and Southern states don't rate high on education, mental health care, or tolerance. You connect the dots. In fact, here's a map of dots.

http://www.pbs.org/newshour/rundown/heres-a-map-of-all-the-mass-shootings-in-2015/

2.) I worry about losing Paul in any number of ways. Bullet, texting driver, trigger happy cop. I sorta worry for the world, actually. Me with grief and anger unleashed is not going to be a good thing. 

3.) I worry about my brothers being killed by cops because, though they're mixed race, they look black. They're good boys. Educated and smart and upper middle class. But that won't matter to the biased cop. Their very existence seems to be considered a threat to society. I dread that phone call and the pain awaiting me when I hang up.

http://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2015/jun/01/black-americans-killed-by-police-analysis

4.) I worry about cops busting into my house at night, shooting Paul for trying to defend us, and then getting off Scot free b/c they're on that side of the law. This happened a few weeks ago in Decatur. Two cops burst in to a house. A man and his wife were watching Netflix while their sleeping baby was next to them. One of the cops shot the man's dog and arrested the terrified man. Turns out they had the wrong house. 

http://www.ajc.com/news/news/local/cop-shot-responding-to-wrong-house-gbi-leading-inv/nnWKr/

5.) I worry about being stopped by a cop and not because of the ticket, but because I'm terrified of them. They could beat me, or plant evidence and arrest me, or worse, force me to do something I don't want to do. This article from Associated Press gives you more details of what I'm hinting at.

http://bigstory.ap.org/article/fd1d4d05e561462a85abe50e7eaed4ec/ap-hundreds-officers-lose-licenses-over-sex-misconduct

That's right, over 1000 officers. And I'm sure that's an under estimation. The rest of the women probably are too scared to come forward. I could be one of those victims if I was driving home alone one day.

UPDATE: Justice in Oklahoma

All of this makes me hesitant to leave my house. I don't like it when Paul leaves without me. It takes mental preparation and repeated mantras to calm my nerves when I have to go to appointments or meetings. I know I don't have much control in this life. All I can control is my reaction to what happens to me. I used to be okay with that, but the older I get, the more out of control the world seems. It's overwhelming. 

I know the list is mostly about cops. Anyone who knows me, knows I have a phobia about them. There is a story about that, but can you blame me? I'm pigmented. My brown ass makes me a target. Maybe not as much as a black male, but a minority girl isn't exactly safe either, you know. 

All of these things are possible. I've had to make peace with that. The only thing I can do is meditate. The practice feels impossible, sometimes. Like removing a full teaspoon of worry from the ocean that is my anxiety. 

I try to remind myself to be present and not to take anyone or anything for granted. I try to tell my friends I love them often. I try to be kind to strangers. This has been hard. With everything I know, I want to look at people with distrust and worry. But I refuse to do that. I want to live in the light, and that means being willing to love, even if it means I'll be hurt. 

Still, I drive under the speed limit, try to do most of my shopping online, buy DVDs instead of go to the movies, go to Kroger at night when it's not busy, have a bat by my front door, double check my locked doors at night, try to have Paul accompany me when I'm out in public, be inside the house before dark, don't wear anything revealing that says I'm asking for attention, have my brothers check in with me, and look forward to the day we can move out of the country to a place where corrupted power can't reach us. 

So far, I'm looking at a lovely two bedroom hut in Mongolia.