Melancholy

I am lonely. I am sad. I think that's okay. I mean, we live in a society that's so quick to fix sad. I think being sad doesn't make any less of a life. Who said we had to exist in one side of the feeling spectrum to be happy?  Besides,there has to be sad for joy to exist.

There's nothing specific to why I'm sad. I think it's just a general feeling of how fleeting life is, how nothing is permanent, how precious love is.

Death will come to all of us in one way or another.

My animals will die. One by one. Max first, probably as he's the dog. Then Pan, then Abby. My parents will die. Then probably friends of mine. The day I dread most of all- Paul's death- might arrive before mine. And then I will be dying too.

Well, I mean, we're all already dying after we leave adolescence. Our telomeres get shorter and shorter with each new cell life cycle. The RNA process gets faster and faster. The lucky ones grow older and older.

I think it's important to remember that we came in alone, we're going out alone. It's not scary, death. There's nothing to be scared of. It just...is.

I guess it's the crushing loneliness that bothers me. I know that same loneliness is why people have children. I don't think children will save me from it. I'm lonely now and I have everyone still. Is it my dread of it that makes it seem so frightening?

My fear is that I will survive them all. I don't want that. I'd rather be the first to my leave. I'd rather not be held and whispered words of useless comfort. I'd rather not experience the chafing of grief.

So many things have been taken from me already. To lose any more...well, I just don't want to survive that. I know some people who make the analogy of life's burdens and how it makes you the pearl in the end. I don't want to be sloughed of my sharp edges. I like them just fine, thank you very much.  I don't want to be hardened, don't want my heart to form a callus, don't want anymore wisdom.

I'm a fool, I know.

It's coming. The storm is coming. All my attempts at waterproofing my heart from the tears to come are useless.

And still I try.