Reflecting on 2018

It's almost the end of the year and it's time to reflect on some things. How are the states of the following going?

1. My health. It has been a roller coaster of pain. Pain before surgery in April-Sept 2017. Pain after surgery from Sept-November 2017. There was some easing in December till March 2017. Started PT in June. Then went to another, more effective PT in September and I saw Jacob all of Sept, none of October cuz I was in S. Korea, and all of November and now once a week in December. Pain is much better and I'm having more good days than bad.

Overall though, I've made great strides to my back care. My body seems stronger. That right sided pain is not there most days. I feel like I'm able to walk without pain more and more.

Oh, and there was some globus thing that I had to get an endoscopy for.
Oh, and I'm seeing a shrink for my crazy anxiety that I had to get medicated for as well.

But other than that....all good.

2. My book. I finished it. That's a pretty big thing. I'm doing edits now. I wish I could say it was final edits but it probably won't be. It's hard and it's worth it. That's what I keep telling myself.

I have beta readers who are interested, so far: Anna, Sue, Emily?, Maggie, Patricia?

I hope I don't disappoint them. I've been working so hard, what if after all that....no, I'm not going to think badly about this. I've worked as hard as I could. There's nothing else to do but set it free.

3. My sanity. I've taken mental health a bit more seriously this year. Started meditating more often thanks to that TM class I took last Thanksgiving. I really think it's been helpful. My monkey mind is hyper-er (is that a word? meh,sure. why not?) and I need to sedate it often so I don't go off the rails with my attention and my emotions.

The more time passes, the more I have learned to stop bemoaning my butterfly-like attention. It is what it is. I get bored easily. So I think I should follow the impulse to create when I can so I can achieve flow. The search for FLOW might be the key to my happiness, when I think about it. I feel most like myself when I'm creating something and in that state of focus. I'm not worried about anything. I'm just ...painting or writing or gardening or cooking. Those things make me happy.

The sadness isn't as bad this year compared to last. I think quitting the soul sucking job has a lot to do with that.

I'm seeing a therapist again. My anxiety got out of control what with all this Kavanaugh shit and the incessant gun violence and the fact that half my siblings are black and I'm terrified of something awful happening to them. I do wonder if we'll be able to fix this broken country. But I'm trying to deal as best as I can. Turned off the news, unfollowed a bunch of people, trying to remind myself that life is short and to make the best of it.

4. Hope. I don't know. I think I still have some left. I'm a gardener and I've planted some things. That means I'm hoping to see them flower in the future. So I guess I expect there to be a future. That's hope of some sort, right?

The pendulum always swings back to the right. It can't stay to the left forever. That's just not the way it works. There's always a balance of some sort. That's the universe for ya.  Chaos and repair. Or maybe Chaos and Half ass repair...cuz of entropy. It's still breaking down but at a slower rate.

For 2019...wow, look at those numbers. Instead of being alarmed, I'm going to choose to be grateful that I'm alive to see it.

Right, so for this coming year, I'm hoping for the same things I always do. Peace and harmony.

But what I've been seeing is death and destruction. Strife and war. So much suffering. So much unnecessary suffering. That's the part that gets me. There's a way to stop this. If some people loosened up their hold on greed and money...we could fix the hunger problem.

I'm an idealist, I know. I'm still going to fight the good fight for the light though. There's plenty worth saving. I look forward to the day when there's more right than wrong. When people stand up even if their knees shake from fear. I hope to be one of them.