Finding Peace

Where have you found peace?

I think in regards to family, specifically my parents, I've found some kind of peace. It used to really bother me that I wasn't part of mine. That I wasn't really accepted or belonged there. It was always a struggle. Like, I could change and be what they wanted and lose myself or be me and be free but be alone. I tried to do the former but I found that I was never enough. It was never enough.

So...I slowly started to heal from it.

Every Christmas, it's not as painful. I'm glad to be in my own house and not be in theirs. I'm okay with not getting a birthday card or anything like that.

I guess, I sorta became my own parent or I don't know, grew up?

All I know is that it doesn't hurt as much anymore and I think that's a good thing. I think that means I've developed some kind of peace in an area that used to be full of chaos in my mind.

Be, Have, Do

What virtue do you want more of in your life?

I want more courage and assertiveness and self-confidence in myself. I hate that I hesitate when I should be attacking. I am timid at things as if I have time to do it again. And I know I don't. I know time is passing by. That I need to grab what I want now and live life full speed ahead.

It's cause of the shame and the doubt I grew up in,I think. I'm trying to shake it. I'm trying not to fall into the old thinking of comparing and doubting and being insecure. I think inaction breeds doubt so I'm trying to do more action. So I can be happy doing what I love and not think that I have to meet a level of success to be happy. 

What is a challenge you want to overcome?

Lord, where do I start? There's a lot.

The comparison trap. The imposter syndrome. The self-doubt. The scarcity mindset. The thinking that there's going to be enough time to do what I want in life.

I'm trying to overcome the procrastination thing by trying to WIN THE MORNING. I'm trying to create new habits so I can grow instead of regress. So, in the morning, that's meditate (20 min), cardio (10 min), PT exercises (30 min), and then morning pages (15 min).

I think if I continue doing this everyday, I'll be a better person by the end of the year.

What are you passionate about and want to do more?

I am passionate about stories that give girls the ability to dream more and bigger things. I want to create a body of work that supports that. I want to pick up a corner of the feminism thread that needs help and support it with my voice and my words. I have ideas, so many ideas, about stories where girls win against the odds. That's my why. I want to empower girls and women with my words. Not by preaching to them but by inviting them into tales where those lessons are already embedded.

Grateful

What or who are you grateful for?

I'm grateful to Paul. I have a very kind husband. That's really important to me after being treated so unkindly for most of my childhood. I think it's his best quality. And that's probably why I'm really protective of him when someone tries to take advantage of him. Kindness like his is rare and needs to be kept safe from the users and abusers of the world. I don't mind fighting them because I'm used to that battle.

It's not just his kindness. It's his ability to make me laugh. I see his goofiness and something in me melts. I can see him as the boy he was and I like him. I really like my husband. He's a good person.

He spoils me. I'm grateful for that. I am taken cared of really well. He's aware of my body's limitations and never makes me feel bad about it. He is super on guard when I do too much because he can't stand to see me in pain. And I'll admit....I'm in pain a lot. But I have a husband who takes care of me, and genuinely feels invested in my wellbeing. It's more than my own mother has ever done. I'm used to facing health issues alone. It makes it worse when you're alone though. Being scared is multiplied because there's not someone there to hold your hand. But after Paul, that no longer happens. I wake up from anesthesia and he's there.

So let's see, he's kind, he's funny, he spoils me.

Oh! He's up for fun. I have lots of ideas and he's game for them. There might be some hesitation at first but he'll do it. Gardening, ballroom dancing, meditation, fasting. He's game. I love it. I think I'm helping him discover a part of himself he didn't realize was there. So, in a way, I guess we're both growing.

I'm grateful to have a partner like him. Life is hard and he makes it easier. I mean, it's still hard, that's for sure, but it's tolerable with him by my side.

I truly feel that he's my miracle, and I'm an atheist! I wake up every morning and I know how lucky I am.

That's what I'm most grateful for.

My Word Is Fearless because...

...I can do anything. Overcome anything. Hell, I'm still standing. That's gotta say something.

Were there moments I was scared? Yes. I'm still scared. The anxiety got out of control last year. There was just too much happening. The world was scaring me and I'd find myself having panic attacks.

I sought care though. The meds helped a lot. I hadn't realized how bad it had gotten until they kicked in and I went back to normal. I can think again. I think last year every other thought was a fearful one. I don't know how I got as much accomplished as I did.

It takes strength to ask for help. It would have been easier to keep quiet and doing that would have continued my suffering.

I can be scared and still continue on. It's not one or the other. Both can exist. I'm learning not to negate myself.

Oh, I started seeing a therapist. I forgot to mention that. I've only seen her three times, but I plan on doing more sessions. I hadn't thought it would be as helpful as it has been. I thought the meds were enough but I think healing would be faster if I had some talk therapy to go along with it.

Writing has been healing though. This book has been good for me. I shouldn't worry about whether anyone will read it. I can't control that part of it. It wold be a waste of time continuing to worry about it.

What I can do is polish this story so it's as beautiful as I can get it. The story is mine, and yes, I'm worried that by someone rejecting the story, they will be rejecting me. But I need to be okay with that. I will not be everyone's cup of tea, so my story will be subject to that same kind of feeling.

So, be fearless, Me. Continue onward. Wake up and do your morning routine (meditation/ exercises/grateful journal) and remember that you like writing. That the best kind of writing is the kind where you're scared someone will read it. That's this whole book, when you think about it.

I know you're scared like Piglet, but he still did stuff with Pooh. Courage, dude. You never did like sniveling. Face the fear and keep going anyway. It's just a ghost you can walk through. It will probably always be there. Learn to make friends with it. It's not its fault it wants to protect you so fiercely. After all, there is a reason for that. You were hurt over and over again. Can you blame the fear for being as strong as it is?

But live as if it doesn't shackle you anyway. The life you want won't happen otherwise.

Reflecting on 2018

It's almost the end of the year and it's time to reflect on some things. How are the states of the following going?

1. My health. It has been a roller coaster of pain. Pain before surgery in April-Sept 2017. Pain after surgery from Sept-November 2017. There was some easing in December till March 2017. Started PT in June. Then went to another, more effective PT in September and I saw Jacob all of Sept, none of October cuz I was in S. Korea, and all of November and now once a week in December. Pain is much better and I'm having more good days than bad.

Overall though, I've made great strides to my back care. My body seems stronger. That right sided pain is not there most days. I feel like I'm able to walk without pain more and more.

Oh, and there was some globus thing that I had to get an endoscopy for.
Oh, and I'm seeing a shrink for my crazy anxiety that I had to get medicated for as well.

But other than that....all good.

2. My book. I finished it. That's a pretty big thing. I'm doing edits now. I wish I could say it was final edits but it probably won't be. It's hard and it's worth it. That's what I keep telling myself.

I have beta readers who are interested, so far: Anna, Sue, Emily?, Maggie, Patricia?

I hope I don't disappoint them. I've been working so hard, what if after all that....no, I'm not going to think badly about this. I've worked as hard as I could. There's nothing else to do but set it free.

3. My sanity. I've taken mental health a bit more seriously this year. Started meditating more often thanks to that TM class I took last Thanksgiving. I really think it's been helpful. My monkey mind is hyper-er (is that a word? meh,sure. why not?) and I need to sedate it often so I don't go off the rails with my attention and my emotions.

The more time passes, the more I have learned to stop bemoaning my butterfly-like attention. It is what it is. I get bored easily. So I think I should follow the impulse to create when I can so I can achieve flow. The search for FLOW might be the key to my happiness, when I think about it. I feel most like myself when I'm creating something and in that state of focus. I'm not worried about anything. I'm just ...painting or writing or gardening or cooking. Those things make me happy.

The sadness isn't as bad this year compared to last. I think quitting the soul sucking job has a lot to do with that.

I'm seeing a therapist again. My anxiety got out of control what with all this Kavanaugh shit and the incessant gun violence and the fact that half my siblings are black and I'm terrified of something awful happening to them. I do wonder if we'll be able to fix this broken country. But I'm trying to deal as best as I can. Turned off the news, unfollowed a bunch of people, trying to remind myself that life is short and to make the best of it.

4. Hope. I don't know. I think I still have some left. I'm a gardener and I've planted some things. That means I'm hoping to see them flower in the future. So I guess I expect there to be a future. That's hope of some sort, right?

The pendulum always swings back to the right. It can't stay to the left forever. That's just not the way it works. There's always a balance of some sort. That's the universe for ya.  Chaos and repair. Or maybe Chaos and Half ass repair...cuz of entropy. It's still breaking down but at a slower rate.

For 2019...wow, look at those numbers. Instead of being alarmed, I'm going to choose to be grateful that I'm alive to see it.

Right, so for this coming year, I'm hoping for the same things I always do. Peace and harmony.

But what I've been seeing is death and destruction. Strife and war. So much suffering. So much unnecessary suffering. That's the part that gets me. There's a way to stop this. If some people loosened up their hold on greed and money...we could fix the hunger problem.

I'm an idealist, I know. I'm still going to fight the good fight for the light though. There's plenty worth saving. I look forward to the day when there's more right than wrong. When people stand up even if their knees shake from fear. I hope to be one of them.

After Mel's critique

So, halfway through this year and so far...

Well, so far, it hasn't progressed at the speed I planned for it to.

The writing thing. Asia Minor has taken up most of my life the past three years.

Sunk cost fallacy. 

It's a real thing.

Numbing The Pain

I love animals.

I think all of them have souls, and what we've done is awful. 

What we've done to chickens and cows and pigs...I wish we didn't. I wish were better carnivores. Eat only when we should. Not this crazy excess of food. 

Is it capitalism? Is that what it all boils down to? Greed? 

Saving the Planet

I think humans are ruining this planet. That's not really an opinion, but a fact.

We're killing all kinds of creatures and ruining ecosystems for our own selfish gains.

And just when I start to get sick thinking about it, when I start thinking it's too late to fix it, I'm comforted by cosmic horror philosophy.

The idea that the universe doesn't give a shit about us comforts me. Because humans are stupid and greedy and the universe is indifferent to what humans want. We're nothing compared to the billions of dust already out there in the universe.

I'll bet there are a couple of Earth-like planets already out there that are even better than this one. Maybe we got the shit version. Who knows?

All I know is that there have been five massive extinctions in Earth and we're on our way to a 6th one.  We're probably rushing the time table along with our lack of movement re global warming, rising oceans, and lack of clean water.

It's warped of me, I'm sure, but knowing that the Earth has a reset button calms me down. I don't have to do anything. What will happen will happen.

George Carlin has a talk about it.  I don't need to save the planet. "The planet is fine. The people are fucked."

Why does our possible extinction calm me down? I don't know. I think I don't really have too much hope in the human race these days. We seem to bring more misery than joy in everything we touch. 

Blessed, not stressed

I have been spending less on beauty products the past few months.  At first, out of necessity, because we're on a budget, but now, because I'm realizing I don't actually need whatever it is I'm supposed to be buying.

I've got plenty of foundation bottles to empty still. I'd need to use it every day for two years to finish it all.

Eyeshadows? Well, I think one hundred will do plenty of shading nicely.

Lipsticks is the same.

Lotions is the same.

Basically, I don't need anything to feel pretty. Well prettier. I think I'm pretty enough in my own skin.

But capitalism is a monster of sorts.

It's very good at making you think you're not good enough as is.  That if you buy something a little extra, you'll be better than you are, when what you are is already something amazing to start with.

Then you start to forget that shit and start thinking that the shit you bought is what makes you amazing. And that's just not true.

I think living like this is a good thing. It reminds me of what is important. Having food, getting basic bills paid, some flowers, some gas for the car, some medicine for my animals and me...well, that's all I need.

Well, and Paul and my family and friends.

I'm an incredibly blessed woman.

Blowing the Eraser's Dust

Paul is out of town and I was excited for that b/c when he’s out of town, I get a shit ton of work done. Not that he’s a hindrance or anything, it’s just I like him so much and we have so much fun together that I can’t focus 100% when he’s here. So, when he’s not here, I try to get as much work as I can done.