All or nothing

They're not watching it.

I should understand and stop feeling rejected.

I won't tell them this of course, but I'm going to spew out all the emotion here. 

All that hard work and for what? For nothing. 

To be fair, R had seemed vaguely impressed."Well, it seems like a lot of work." It wasn't quite the compliment I was looking for, but I'm going to take it as one. He didn't expound on it so I guess it'll be all he'll say on the topic.  

Last night, I was tempted to stop making them. What was the point? I couldn't seem to reach the two of three people I wanted. 

Love is a powerful and stupid thing, though. I'm probably still going to go ahead and make more of them. Maybe they can watch it when they're feeling sad or miss me later. If nothing else, there's an archive of me growing older somewhere. 

I do enjoy it. That' me being honest. I don't really want to stop. It's fun. I have lots of ideas. I lose myself for hours doing it. Which is one of the reasons that Paul says not to stop. He advises me to keep doing it. I've stumbled onto something that gives me pleasure so why not?

It will help me ignore the hurt they've given me. Do they even know they've hurt my feelings? 

Why does it feel like I'm always the one putting forth the effort in every tribe I'm allowed in? I feel like I have to work for my membership, I guess. It's never enough for people though. My efforts are usually in vain. It leaves me with the distinct impression that I am unlovable compared to others. I'm not going to go further into it than that or I'll inspire more pity. I detest pity.

I take my role as the eldest seriously. To them, it seems like a hindrance. Am I alone in this attempt to keep us all together? Is it pointless? Once we all find our wings, should we just forget about each other and think of the time spent together as pleasant memories?

Why can't I live away from the extreme of things? All or nothing, always. People talk about the happy medium but that has never existed for me. Or maybe it does but I am only allowed two modes in life. All or nothing. Always. It's maddening.