On Envy

So there's this philosopher (who is still alive) named de Botton who encourages people to feel instead of suppressing their envy.

He proposes that it's through following our envy that we know what it is we really want out of life. Most of us don't know what we want out life, so I guess this at least is some kind of guide.

Hmm..What am I envious of? Who am I envious of?





I'm envious of women who get to write as a living. I'm envious of really good writers. I'd rather have two or three good books than 12 mediocre books out. I'm envious of those writers that produce quality work like that. I'm frustrated with myself by how much further I have to go to get there. I want to be there already.

I'm envious of people who have found inner peace. I struggle with that. Some days I think I've found it, and then the next day it's gone. I would like to reach that level of thinking b/c I can be free of suffering.

I am envious of people who are not swayed by negative public opinion. Honestly, I think they're really amazing. I don't know what they're like at home, but they seem really strong in public. I want that. That kind of strength. I think I'm too weak and puny in spirit. It bothers me.

I am envious of people whose bodies seem to listen to them. See, mine doesn't. I have conditions I can't understand. I mean, I understand them, like their definitions and all that. But I don't think I have made peace with them. A part of me still likes to deny that I have them. Weird, I know. But it would be great if I could exercise and eat right and benefit by losing weight. I think I've stopped believing my body can do anything. It can't. It doesn't do what I want it to. A lot of the time, I'm in pain and I can't understand why.

I envy close families. Families that are not dysfunctional. Where parents want the best for their kids and siblings care about each other. I'd like to have a family like that. I wish I had a normal family like that.

I envy people who have friends who they see all the time. That would be lovely. To live somewhere and see people you want to spend time with all the time. I think I am lonely for friends. Loneliness sucks. I wish I didn't suffer from it. I think everyone does. You move away from home for a job and you forget all the benefits of living in a town that knows your name.

Which is probably why I envy people who live in big cities. I'd love to live in a big city like Paris or New York or London or San Francisco. Somewhere where there are people and busy ness. I am stuck in the suburbs with neighbors who talk about their lawns and the newest person who moved into the neighborhood. It's kill me now boring. Who gives a fuck if the new house has features that weren't offered to you when they built yours? Ughhhhh.

Hmm, what else do I envy? Oh! People with natural artistic skill. See, I have friends who would say I have this, but I don't. No, I don't. I try really hard but it doesn't work out a lot of the time. I wish I had more success than failure. But I know there are people out there who are just naturally good. That can draw a face without have to use an eraser. I envy them.

Oh! Hair. Thick hair. Yup. I envy people who have that naturally. Man, I swear, as I get older, I'm going more and more bald. I mean with all the meds and all the conditions, I know it will be a side effect. I miss my long hair. I miss the curls. I miss my hair.

Hmm...anything else to envy?  No, I don't think so.

But the other side of envy is what? Gratefulness, maybe?

I'm grateful for having everyone in my family healthy. That I have the ability to write and create art if I want to. I'm grateful that I atleast still have hair. And I have a killer fashion sense, so that's pretty cool. I am grateful that I am atleast aware of all my deficiencies and I'm striving to be a better person. There are a lot of people who don't look at themselves introspectively like this. I guess they're afraid of what they'll find. I am grateful I live in a place where there's not a lot of traffic and it's really quiet at night. I'm grateful that I can still walk. That's pretty major. I couldn't do it for a while last year and that was terrifying.

I don't think it's a good idea to wallow in envy. I think it's a good idea to pay attention to it when it happens to you. I think it's like a scent almost. You should sniff it out. But after that, you should stop chasing it and try to figure out how you're going to achieve your goals so you aren't seduced by it anymore.