About Last Night

Oh, the glamour of last night. If you could see me now, lol. My poor body has had it. Pain level today is 5. I'm hoping some yoga will get that down to 3.

I have to write this all down before I forget. Bear with the stream of consciousness writing, there's a point to it, I promise.

Brief summary of this weekend in phrases. M&M! Lots of people. Scary, then fun. Information, gosh so much information. Feeling anxious. I'm behind on everything. Marketing especially. Meeting more people. Oh, alcohol great. Oh, no, drank too much and now can't stop telling people I'm drunk.

Next morning now and no hangover, yay! More learning. Tired. Oh, talking with friends, that's nice. Paul's here, so cute. Gotta change and get fancy. Woah, everyone is so pretty and glammed up. This is a pretty ballroom. I'm so happy Paul is here with me. I get to sit with my friends! Awards, lots of awards. Clapping. More clapping. Crap, my categories. Oh, yay! Honorable mention for the YA, the one that kicked my ass. Oh wow, the Erotic Romance part. ...Holy crap. I won 1st and 2nd. Holy crap. Speech. Oh, shit, say thank you. I said things...I don't know, I can't remember. Sitting down. Feel overwhelmed and so grateful for people coming over to congratulate me. Hug friends who tease me. Gratitude to everyone and wishing for nothing but the same good things for them.Time to do an Irish good bye. Driving home. Lights turns green, turning left...

Car missed us by 2 inches.

The dude ran the red light. Seriously. Inches. 

The moment was right after I told Paul, "Babe, I already won even before all this started. because I get to take you home with me."

In another dimension, those would be my last words. Somewhere, in the infinite time loops, there is a version of me who isn't here anymore. Or if she does exist, probably feeling more than a 5/10 pain. I'm not sure my body can handle one more surgery at this point. I'm not sure I even have the will to leave the numbness of anesthesia and return to this banged up shell. 

It's crazy that I forgot about death. I mean, anyone who knows me knows I'm a morbid fuck. I talk about it all the time like it's Me, Myself, and Death.

But last night, amidst all the joy and happy pictures, I did. I forgot about death and how fragile this all is. That damn car was a sobering reminder that this can all be taken away without much effort. It's a stack of cards that I should be grateful to have. Every day. Even if it's a sucky day. 

Paul and I were quiet after it happened. We weren't screaming and cursing. We both were rendered mute from relief. Death brushed past us. We should have met that car head on and died on impact.  

I think that more than anything THAT is what is getting me to my desk this morning and writing. Time is not on my side. Life is very short. Write because you have the gift. Write, dammit, write. Shut up, Doubt. Go away, Crippling Fear. The feelings of unworthiness? Just shut up and let me get this out. 

I am grateful and humble to be here right now. I have the love of my life making me breakfast. Good friends who genuinely celebrate my wins. Creativity. I'm following my heart and I'm wise enough to stop reaching out to those who don't want it. 

So yeah. It's a really good morning. If you're alive, you're a winner already.