Finding the Light

I am hurting and writing this all down is the only way I know to ease the pain.

I haven't left my bedroom in the past two days. It's beautiful outside but I've cancelled all my plans. I'm scared of people. I don't want to do anything I love.  

What I have been doing is odd...I've emptied my closet, tried on every single item of clothing there (even the ones I knew wouldn't fit), then organized them by category, season, size, and color. I went through everything, even bras and underwear. Cute undies versus granny panties. 

After I did that, I went to the master bathroom and emptied out all the items under the sink and organized that mess. When that I was done, I sprayed everything down with bleach and cleaned the bathroom, taking pleasure in seeing the grime slide down the drain. 

Is it weird that I found all of that to be comforting? 

I've run out of things to clean, and right on cue, the tears are back. I can't stop crying. I don't even want to list the reasons why. Suffice it to say that the world makes me so very, very sad. 

I'm tempted to push everyone away. I don't want to be near my loved ones. My beautiful, spirited brothers.The thought of them being future victims haunts me. 

Helpless and Hopeless. 

When I was younger and felt scared, I stopped being scared and became angry. That's how I got through my monsters. I looked them right in the eye and dared them to do their worst. Even if it meant being hit again. 

But not even anger can fuel me right now. I don't know what to do. What are we going to do? How do we fix this? The world feels like it's falling apart. The system is broken. Seriously, name a system, any system and there's something wrong with it. Justice, Education, Healthcare, Prison, Political, etc. It's all turned to crap. 

Because of greed and ignorance. 

That's what it is. That's the problem. People who want more money or power and able to live with screwing other people to get what they want.  

The only answer is love, they say. I can't imagine how that could be. That means I have to endure more pain to come out the other side. I don't want to do that. I just want justice and peace now. Can't the bad guys just go away? 

I dream about a vacuum cleaner, like a giant one that's bigger than Earth. And it sucks up the bad people from wherever they are and they fly up into the sky and they get collected. Then they're shipped to Mars or something. 

It doesn't exist but the fantasy persists. What else is there to do? My anger is not going to fix anything. It won't fight the ignorance and hate we're up against. 

I'm crying again. Fuck. I didn't know how productive my lacrimal ducts could be. 

We are not all 100% evil. There is good in everyone. That's what I have to keep saying. There is good in everyone. Everyone came from a mother. We were all children once. Then we grew up and started killing each other. 

The dark seduces me to become hard. To put up walls and think the worst of everyone. To be stingy with sharing myself to only a few people. It would make life less painful if I stopped caring. 

No. I can't do that. I will not give up. I will continue to live and survive through this. Living is a victory of sorts, my friend said. It seems a hollow victory, but maybe it's all we have. 

Life is a gift. Even with all this pain and anguish, it is a precious thing that I cannot squander away. I refuse to let my fear remove my curiosity. I refuse to let my anxiety remove my hope. I refuse to let my sadness remove my joy. 

It all starts with me. 

I will do better. 

I will try harder to be kinder. 

I will love harder. 

I will forgive sooner. 

I will dig deep and find the strength to do all of this because it's the one burden I can carry on my own. I think if I made my little corner of the world a little brighter, a little better, maybe that's a life well-lived. Maybe that's all I can do to help fix this problem. 

We all have the capacity to change this. I'm not naive enough to think everyone will put down the guns. There's probably a bullet out there with my name on it. It scares me, but the idea of giving up on the good scares me more. 

The world seems so dark. Darker than it's ever been. Hope doesn't seem enough to shine a way out of this. And I'm realizing that now, more than ever, is the time for me to be part of the good. 

To be part of the light.