Thoughts on Garb

I'm about to have a birthday soon. It's a good time to figure out if I'm dressing appropriately. It helps me from going through wince-inducing horror when I see pictures of myself from past me.

I still can't believe 20s Me thought she could wear a tight black tube top. What the hell was I thinking?! Oh, and it gets worse! Because I wore that to a function, like a fancy one! (Gasp*)Over a mid-thigh animal print silk skirt. I know! (*Covering eyes*) And then, as if that wasn't bad enough, I made the oh so fashionably chic choice of pairing the entire thing with thick wedge flip flops. 

*Wailing.  I know, right? If I had passed a Japanese business man on the street, he would have asked me, "How much for the night?"

Oh, God, I know there are pics somewhere of me wearing that and I want them all incinerated. Jaysus, what was I thinking? 

Lesson learned. Never again. I vowed to be not such an easy fashion victim from then on.

Immabout to drop some knowledge on you (only 10 from my long list). You can ignore it, of course, but you'll later discover I was right all along (hahaha). 

10 Items to reconsider keeping in your closet

1.) Tube-tops. 

Really hope she's not having anything with red sauce for lunch.

If you've got more than an A cup going, you really shouldn't wear these unless you're at the beach.  Or if you still want to wear yours (because you just can't part with it? or maybe you're in deep denial? I can't comprehend why you would want to keep it.), then I guess you could put on a cardigan so you can wear a bra with it that isn't strapless. The deal breaker with this is that it always loses to gravity. That whole tugging up thing is just so not cute. Whenever I see a woman doing it, I think she looks like a girl child playing dress-up. 

2.) Overalls. 

When the sun sets, the mosquitos that live around this body of water are going to make a meal out of her delectable shoulders.

Even if you wore nothing underneath and just had it on bare skin....it's still a shame to put that thing on a woman's body. The goddess that is Chrissy Teigen couldn't make this appealing and I'd turn myself gay for that chick. But what I'm saying is, you're ruining all the lovely visual of curves wearing this unfortunate garment. I don't even care if it's not made from denim or only one side is buckled, it looks terrible on everyone who isn't under the age of ten.  

3.) Sneakers. 

You can't tell if this is a man or a woman, can you? Exactly

Especially the really white ones. (The converse ones are pardoned thanks to hipsters.) If you aren't an actively walking or running when you're wearing them, you really shouldn't punish yourself like this. You know how when you play video games, you lose life points when you're battling the boss at the end? Well, as a woman, you automatically lose sexy points the minute you put these on. And that's crazy to do to yourself as a woman because you are automatically sexy just by existing. (That's not to say that women exist to be sexy. I just think all women are beautiful and lovely in their own way). By the way, I find it hilarious fashion tried to wedge them up last season. No, you can't make these look appealing. They try and try, but two inches of rubber is just  always going to look like it's made for the playground. 

4.)Bandage dress.

I shall stand just like this for the rest of the night. Chest up, butt out, hand on hip. Oh crap, I need to pee.

Remember this phase? It was not a good time to have a food baby. But I wasn't about to stop eating for that damn uncomfortable thing that required you to wear like two sets of Spanxs for your abdomen just to fit into it. That kind of restriction cuts of circulation to your intestines. You could probably kill your organs by the lack of blood flow. There's pain in beauty (I'm looking at you waxing, brow threading, and laser hair removal) but I ain't about to die for it either.  Besides, I like my glazed donuts more. 

5.) Fringe-anything. 

Like it met a toddler that wanted to practice with scissors

Maybe a fringe purse would be okay, but you better be on your way to Coachella, because if you were using public transportation, you'd be at risk for getting that thing caught on a closing train door or tangled on some baby's stroller, or worse some lady's weave. It's just not a classy look. It's very bohemian, sure, but I left that peasant-top-long-skirt-unshaved-pits back in college, and I encourage you to do the same. You aren't that hot mess anymore. 

Speaking of college...

6.) T-shirts before the age of 25. 

Who is Davis and where can I see him?

Most of these were probably free or had some sort of event on them. Unless you went to an Ivy League school and need someone to acknowledge that you spent a fortune for four years to feel like you got your money's worth, then yeah, I guess keep that Harvard T-shirt.  But otherwise, throw that shit away or use it as a rag to clean your car with. The cotton is cheap and scratchy, you can't remember the event, and it's probably too tight now anyway. There are ways to make it wearable like soaking it in a brine for half a week to break down those fibers and then washing it with fabric softener. I've tried that, and looking back, it wasn't worth the effort. Should have just gone to J-Crew or the Gap or something and gotten one of their super soft Ts instead. 

7.) Rolled up jean shorts- a la Daisy Duke style.

Can you imagine the crotch wedgie when she sat down? Would that pant divider cut into the vajay-jay, you think? 

Oh, God, my eyes! My fucking eyes. Here take them. I donate them to you as they are forever damaged now. Give them to a child in need. Look, even if you have a rockin' pilates toned body, this is still just a no-no.  We shouldn't be able to see your pockets like this. No woman should do this to herself. The back part of this is probably showing so much cheek that a chipmunk would get jealous.  

8.) Lack of accessories

I'm a statue and my accessories are still better than yours. How messed up is that?

People always think they can't rock a hat. That's weird to me. Yeah, you can. Wear a hat. Hell, wear a scarf. It's a really easy way to hide the fact that you're not wearing a bra should you need to run out to the store real quick to get some bread. Just put it around your neck...or if you're worried the wind will blow, secure it with a belt around your waist to make it look like a vest. Tada!

9.) Cheap looking earrings

I've only got one earring on but at least my ear ain't green.

I have a ridiculous earring collection. A lot of those are costume, of course, but that doesn't mean that they leave behind green residue. Rule of thumb is, if it turns your skin green, then either keep it clean (soak in white vinegar solution with baking soda and Dawn soap) or just donate that to a younger person and treat yo'self to an upgrade. Same with rings and necklaces. Keep your stuff clean. Or, if you wanted to rewear it, I've found using nail polish on a few boring pieces can give them a second life. 

10.) Mid length skirts

It's the skirt someone wears for the BEFORE picture in a makeover. 

These are surprisingly hard to pull off. Or maybe, that's just me. It's too short to be a maxi, which is a bummer as maxi's can give the illusion of height. But they're also not short enough to really showcase your leg. They end, rather like the crop pants, in that section of calf that isn't always attractive for some women (I don't care what you say friends-of-mine-who-keep-defending-the-crop-pants, I still think it's awful. It cuts the visual of your leg!). It's the widest part of the calf, so it looks like the leg only gets plumper as the skirt goes up.  I find that if maybe the fabric is flowy and lightweight, it can work but those poodle skirt fabric ones? Nope. They don't work. I look like a bowling ball. 

So those are some thoughts. Ignore them if you want. It's okay. I am sure I will change my mind about all of these in another ten years.