Joy and Misery are fleeting

Black Friday was today. We didn't shop. I went out for Noodles w/ Charity and we discussed how anxious and depressed the both of us were. 

 It's not every day that I go shopping anymore. When I was younger, I did. All the time. I think I was trying to find happiness in retail, and also, being poor for so long, I kinda went a little crazy when I could afford things. Not like buy a car at a whim but definitely buy a $500 ring at Bloomingdale's b/c you wanted to claim your independence. 

I still feel slightly nauseous when I think about the giant box of shoes I got rid of when we moved 3 apartments ago. I just went shopping every time I was off, and no one said no to me, so I was like, whatever. But deep down, I wasn't happy. 

I know what makes me happy now. 

Writing. 

When I'm writing, I'm not miserable. Well, okay, sometimes, if the story isn't going well, I might be miserable. Like right now. I'm sorta miserable because I don't know how the rest of my book is going to go and I hate pantsing it b/c I'm a control freak but I have to if I want this story to come out. It's like when you relax in the john, you know? Not that this story is crap but it does feel like you're giving birth at times.

Creation is messy. I needed to try and to fail over and over again. I am not afraid of failure. I can handle hard work. I'm not afraid of messing up and fixing it. I can fix it if there's material to work with but I can't fix a blank page.

Keep going, Rani. You can do this. You can do this. You do hard things. You've done hard things. You're not scared of hard work. You can do this. Keep going. 

Reactions to what happened

 I am flummoxed. Flabbergasted. In a state of shock. The waves of helplessness come and don't abate. 

What is going to happen to our country?

Life Update

 It's been a minute. I need to write some of this shit down before more time passes. 

I finally published a book. That was last year 2022. 

I'm writing a new book now. 

I started a nonprofit for senior dogs. Well, almost. 

Hell, I've adopted more dogs. Currently at 6 dogs (Albus, Jack Jack, Franklin, Buddy, Beanz, and Chloe) and 2 cats (Karma and Mikey).

I really wish Biden wasn't running for a 2nd term.  

I am happy. Depression has been under control. Pain is under control. I am not taking this for granted. 

I'm back to writing. This is awesome. I hope to finish this book by the end of this month. 

Cinderella retelling or Snow White?

 Ughhh. 

Why did I think this was a good idea? 

I'm having problems figuring out internal motivation. I always struggle w/ internal motivation. It's like an equation that never got properly formulated in my head. 

See a hero has goals and motivations and conflict. Both external and internal. The internal is part of their shard of glass pain. That much I figured out. 

So she wants the house but her stepmother refuses to sell it to her, so she decides to play dirty by blackmailing her stepmother after seducing her stepfather. 

Damn, that's a lot. 

Maybe I should simplify. Brooke wanted me to try a Cinderella trope.

Cinderella: so she's this poor, orphan who goes and gets sent to boarding school (a bad one) and she scrapes by enough on scholarship to go to a University. She comes back home and isn't welcomed by her stepmother. She learns that her stepmother is selling her parent's house. The house she grew up in. It's her one link to the past and now it's going to be taken away. She begs her stepmother to give her the house, but her stepmother says no. She offers to pay for the house if she'll sell it to her. Where are you going to get that money? Don't worry about it. Fine, my inheritance. Oh, you don't have much left. I had to keep the house maintained and raise your stepsisters. Then use your own money. Who do you think you are talking to me like this in my own house? This is my home. You spent my money on it. I'm the adult here. I'm your parent. You've never been a parent to me. You didn't even show up to any one my graduations. 

Renewed Promises to Self

 It's been a minute. What has happened lately? 

Let's see. We've had a few pets die. Sophie then Lilbit, then Pandora, then Abby...and now Max. He has liver cancer. Paul wants to wait a few more weeks before we put him down. I am worried about Max's pain. Dogs don't display pain like humans do. He might be in a lot of pain. I hear liver cancer is painful on humans. 

Paul and I are in a disagreement on when we should do this. I'm worried about pain and Paul is just not ready to let go yet. We're on the same page though. 

Oh!

I published my first book last week. 

Wow. I can't believe I just typed that sentence. 

The shame that occurs after I accomplish something is fucked up. I'm working on it in therapy. It's my stepfather's voice. To attain something, you expect that you'll feel pride. And I am proud of myself, but there's this weird thread of shame that's in there too. 

Like: Why did it take you so long? This wasn't that hard. You would have been finished sooner if you hadn't procrastinated so much. This isn't a big deal. Lots of people write books. You aren't special. Who do you think you are to even feel like you did anything worth talking about? You are nothing. You are not extraordinary, you're just ordinary. 

Okay, woah. That snapped me out of it. 

There's one thing I do know in life and it's that I am extraordinary. That part, I know is true. You can't look at my life trajectory and tell me that my choices didn't create success. I mean, I started out in the jungle of a 3rd world country at my low point, eating rice and sugar for sustenance cuz there was no more food, and barely able to speak English. Now, look at me. I wrote a book in English. And it's really good. And I hope to do it again. 

That's like, truly awesome. That's extraordinary. I am extraordinary. 

Okay. So that just happened. 

That happens more and more these days due to all the therapy. I'm able to stop the negative thinking train on its tracks. Sometimes, it doesn't even get out of the station. 

My next project is another taboo romance. A stepfather/stepdaughter one. I really hope not to look deeply into that from my own life cuz that's eww, ewwwwww, gross. I think the overall power dynamics of such a match is interesting for interesting's sake. Ugggghh. Why am I gonna do this? B/c it'll be hard. I gotta figure out how to do an HEA with this. I feel like it'll be fun. And it's gotta be taboo b/c that's the series' name. 

What Makes You Lose Track Of Time

There was a time before social media where I would lose track of time by accident. Nowadays, that ability has sort of been hacked for monetary gain. But apart from social media's like this and like that. Post this and post that. Etc. kinda world...I am trying to remember the things that makes me lose track of time. I think if I could get back to doing those as often as possible, that I could probably be as happy as I can be. 

1. Reading. This one is easy and obvious. Yes, of course. I can read and read and read for hours. Days even.

2. Writing. When it's going good. When I'm not revising. When it's first draft and anything is possible. When no one has read it yet and given me their opinion.

3. Painting. 

4. Gardening.

5. Organizing

6. Cooking

7. Cleaning

8. Watching Youtube vids on medicine or science or philosophy

9. Shopping

10. Talking to girlfriends. 

11. Music

12. I guess if I'm sad and distracted, I can lose track of time. Time feels really slow then. 

13. Instagram

14. Pinterest. Specially when I look for outfits or skincare stuff. 

15. Planner stuff. Something about those stickers, man.

16. Looking for new music. 

17. Online shopping for things I don't really need and don't plan to buy but do like to put in my cart. 

18. Vid chatting w/ friends/

What Would You Do If You Were Not Afraid

1. Speak in public. I'm talking where there's a spotlight on me.

shit... I'm gonna have to do M&M, aren't I?

Biggest Regret

What did you learn from your biggest regret?

Mrs. Brewer...I think her name was. She was my AP American History teacher in high school.

She refused to sign off on me taking the AP exam.

And so...I didn't.

And I could've. I didn't need her permission to do it.

I regret letting her stop me. I let that old bitch tell me what to do. I let myself believe she was right, and that I wasn't worthy. And she was wrong. That bitch was wrong.

I'm still trying to find my worth even now, but man, that hurt.

Lesson learned? Never to doubt myself. Never to let someone who is an authority cause me to question what I can do. Not to let someone take my power like that ever again.

I mean, It worked out in the end, but what if I had missed an opportunity because of that? What if there's something else I could have done and I missed it b/c I listened to some idiot?

Ugh. Never again.

Trust yourself. Trust your gut. And even if doubt yourself, do it anyway. Don't let someone naysay what you can do. 

Time Wasted

What do you spend too much time doing?

I think I do too much instagram and pinterest. Probably YouTube too. I like the pretty pictures and the ideas. Also with YouTube there are educational things but I'll admit, I do get into that rabbit hole of super hero theories and Rick and Morty philosophy breakdowns and then move on to WatchMojo. My interests are all over the place, lol.

Also, if I'm not careful, I can do too much cleaning but that's kinda not too bad b/c I do like my environment to be clean. Also, it's helpful to have an organized closet for mornings where I'm running late.

I think I'm getting better about not worrying so much about what people think about me. Seeing a therapist helps a lot with that.

Let's see...what else. Probably driving. I do a lot of driving and traffic is a bitch. Also, we live hella far from the city so anywhere worth going to is going to take at least half an hour.

Oh, and once it gets warm, I'll probably spend too much time in the garden. But I don't mind that. I love doing that stuff. The nursery is far but it makes me so happy to see those plants. So fuck it, let's go. Let's plant shit and watch it grow.


I think I'm much better than what I used to be. A few years ago, I'd say I spend too much  online shopping. There was a lot of that probably b/c I was so unhappy.  I should have been saving that money instead. I think I spent WAAAAy too much time on FB. I'm glad I kicked that addiction last year. 

What Do I Want To Let Go Of?

There's probably a lot I could cut off me. (Metaphorically)

-PERFECTIONISM: I think good enough is probably something I need to accept more of. Otherwise, I'll just keep revising and rewriting the beginning chapters of Asia Minor till I die. 

-EXPECTATIONS: I think the disappointment that comes from not having them met. Especially when it comes to how other people treat me, is something I need to let go of. No one is going to treat me the way I want to be treated. Well, not those who don't love me. I think I expect too much of people, and of course, they always end up disappointing me. I'm learning not to do this though, so it doesn't hurt as much anymore.

-COMPARISON: Oh, Lord, you are evil. You need to die a permanent death. I don't know why you keep coming back. 

-THE PAST: it happened. Let it go. Forgive them. Yes, it sucks, but move forward. You've got a chance to make a better future. Don't keep looking back. 

-My INNER TROLL: That bitch is awful. I'd like her to get weaker. I need to listen more on the motivational guru. She's the mother I never had. She's also the motivation I think when I want to procrastinate. I think she's probably who I need to listen to more. She's the key to my success. Kindness, not punishment. 

Finding Peace

Where have you found peace?

I think in regards to family, specifically my parents, I've found some kind of peace. It used to really bother me that I wasn't part of mine. That I wasn't really accepted or belonged there. It was always a struggle. Like, I could change and be what they wanted and lose myself or be me and be free but be alone. I tried to do the former but I found that I was never enough. It was never enough.

So...I slowly started to heal from it.

Every Christmas, it's not as painful. I'm glad to be in my own house and not be in theirs. I'm okay with not getting a birthday card or anything like that.

I guess, I sorta became my own parent or I don't know, grew up?

All I know is that it doesn't hurt as much anymore and I think that's a good thing. I think that means I've developed some kind of peace in an area that used to be full of chaos in my mind.

Be, Have, Do

What virtue do you want more of in your life?

I want more courage and assertiveness and self-confidence in myself. I hate that I hesitate when I should be attacking. I am timid at things as if I have time to do it again. And I know I don't. I know time is passing by. That I need to grab what I want now and live life full speed ahead.

It's cause of the shame and the doubt I grew up in,I think. I'm trying to shake it. I'm trying not to fall into the old thinking of comparing and doubting and being insecure. I think inaction breeds doubt so I'm trying to do more action. So I can be happy doing what I love and not think that I have to meet a level of success to be happy. 

What is a challenge you want to overcome?

Lord, where do I start? There's a lot.

The comparison trap. The imposter syndrome. The self-doubt. The scarcity mindset. The thinking that there's going to be enough time to do what I want in life.

I'm trying to overcome the procrastination thing by trying to WIN THE MORNING. I'm trying to create new habits so I can grow instead of regress. So, in the morning, that's meditate (20 min), cardio (10 min), PT exercises (30 min), and then morning pages (15 min).

I think if I continue doing this everyday, I'll be a better person by the end of the year.

What are you passionate about and want to do more?

I am passionate about stories that give girls the ability to dream more and bigger things. I want to create a body of work that supports that. I want to pick up a corner of the feminism thread that needs help and support it with my voice and my words. I have ideas, so many ideas, about stories where girls win against the odds. That's my why. I want to empower girls and women with my words. Not by preaching to them but by inviting them into tales where those lessons are already embedded.

Grateful

What or who are you grateful for?

I'm grateful to Paul. I have a very kind husband. That's really important to me after being treated so unkindly for most of my childhood. I think it's his best quality. And that's probably why I'm really protective of him when someone tries to take advantage of him. Kindness like his is rare and needs to be kept safe from the users and abusers of the world. I don't mind fighting them because I'm used to that battle.

It's not just his kindness. It's his ability to make me laugh. I see his goofiness and something in me melts. I can see him as the boy he was and I like him. I really like my husband. He's a good person.

He spoils me. I'm grateful for that. I am taken cared of really well. He's aware of my body's limitations and never makes me feel bad about it. He is super on guard when I do too much because he can't stand to see me in pain. And I'll admit....I'm in pain a lot. But I have a husband who takes care of me, and genuinely feels invested in my wellbeing. It's more than my own mother has ever done. I'm used to facing health issues alone. It makes it worse when you're alone though. Being scared is multiplied because there's not someone there to hold your hand. But after Paul, that no longer happens. I wake up from anesthesia and he's there.

So let's see, he's kind, he's funny, he spoils me.

Oh! He's up for fun. I have lots of ideas and he's game for them. There might be some hesitation at first but he'll do it. Gardening, ballroom dancing, meditation, fasting. He's game. I love it. I think I'm helping him discover a part of himself he didn't realize was there. So, in a way, I guess we're both growing.

I'm grateful to have a partner like him. Life is hard and he makes it easier. I mean, it's still hard, that's for sure, but it's tolerable with him by my side.

I truly feel that he's my miracle, and I'm an atheist! I wake up every morning and I know how lucky I am.

That's what I'm most grateful for.

My Word Is Fearless because...

...I can do anything. Overcome anything. Hell, I'm still standing. That's gotta say something.

Were there moments I was scared? Yes. I'm still scared. The anxiety got out of control last year. There was just too much happening. The world was scaring me and I'd find myself having panic attacks.

I sought care though. The meds helped a lot. I hadn't realized how bad it had gotten until they kicked in and I went back to normal. I can think again. I think last year every other thought was a fearful one. I don't know how I got as much accomplished as I did.

It takes strength to ask for help. It would have been easier to keep quiet and doing that would have continued my suffering.

I can be scared and still continue on. It's not one or the other. Both can exist. I'm learning not to negate myself.

Oh, I started seeing a therapist. I forgot to mention that. I've only seen her three times, but I plan on doing more sessions. I hadn't thought it would be as helpful as it has been. I thought the meds were enough but I think healing would be faster if I had some talk therapy to go along with it.

Writing has been healing though. This book has been good for me. I shouldn't worry about whether anyone will read it. I can't control that part of it. It wold be a waste of time continuing to worry about it.

What I can do is polish this story so it's as beautiful as I can get it. The story is mine, and yes, I'm worried that by someone rejecting the story, they will be rejecting me. But I need to be okay with that. I will not be everyone's cup of tea, so my story will be subject to that same kind of feeling.

So, be fearless, Me. Continue onward. Wake up and do your morning routine (meditation/ exercises/grateful journal) and remember that you like writing. That the best kind of writing is the kind where you're scared someone will read it. That's this whole book, when you think about it.

I know you're scared like Piglet, but he still did stuff with Pooh. Courage, dude. You never did like sniveling. Face the fear and keep going anyway. It's just a ghost you can walk through. It will probably always be there. Learn to make friends with it. It's not its fault it wants to protect you so fiercely. After all, there is a reason for that. You were hurt over and over again. Can you blame the fear for being as strong as it is?

But live as if it doesn't shackle you anyway. The life you want won't happen otherwise.

Reflecting on 2018

It's almost the end of the year and it's time to reflect on some things. How are the states of the following going?

1. My health. It has been a roller coaster of pain. Pain before surgery in April-Sept 2017. Pain after surgery from Sept-November 2017. There was some easing in December till March 2017. Started PT in June. Then went to another, more effective PT in September and I saw Jacob all of Sept, none of October cuz I was in S. Korea, and all of November and now once a week in December. Pain is much better and I'm having more good days than bad.

Overall though, I've made great strides to my back care. My body seems stronger. That right sided pain is not there most days. I feel like I'm able to walk without pain more and more.

Oh, and there was some globus thing that I had to get an endoscopy for.
Oh, and I'm seeing a shrink for my crazy anxiety that I had to get medicated for as well.

But other than that....all good.

2. My book. I finished it. That's a pretty big thing. I'm doing edits now. I wish I could say it was final edits but it probably won't be. It's hard and it's worth it. That's what I keep telling myself.

I have beta readers who are interested, so far: Anna, Sue, Emily?, Maggie, Patricia?

I hope I don't disappoint them. I've been working so hard, what if after all that....no, I'm not going to think badly about this. I've worked as hard as I could. There's nothing else to do but set it free.

3. My sanity. I've taken mental health a bit more seriously this year. Started meditating more often thanks to that TM class I took last Thanksgiving. I really think it's been helpful. My monkey mind is hyper-er (is that a word? meh,sure. why not?) and I need to sedate it often so I don't go off the rails with my attention and my emotions.

The more time passes, the more I have learned to stop bemoaning my butterfly-like attention. It is what it is. I get bored easily. So I think I should follow the impulse to create when I can so I can achieve flow. The search for FLOW might be the key to my happiness, when I think about it. I feel most like myself when I'm creating something and in that state of focus. I'm not worried about anything. I'm just ...painting or writing or gardening or cooking. Those things make me happy.

The sadness isn't as bad this year compared to last. I think quitting the soul sucking job has a lot to do with that.

I'm seeing a therapist again. My anxiety got out of control what with all this Kavanaugh shit and the incessant gun violence and the fact that half my siblings are black and I'm terrified of something awful happening to them. I do wonder if we'll be able to fix this broken country. But I'm trying to deal as best as I can. Turned off the news, unfollowed a bunch of people, trying to remind myself that life is short and to make the best of it.

4. Hope. I don't know. I think I still have some left. I'm a gardener and I've planted some things. That means I'm hoping to see them flower in the future. So I guess I expect there to be a future. That's hope of some sort, right?

The pendulum always swings back to the right. It can't stay to the left forever. That's just not the way it works. There's always a balance of some sort. That's the universe for ya.  Chaos and repair. Or maybe Chaos and Half ass repair...cuz of entropy. It's still breaking down but at a slower rate.

For 2019...wow, look at those numbers. Instead of being alarmed, I'm going to choose to be grateful that I'm alive to see it.

Right, so for this coming year, I'm hoping for the same things I always do. Peace and harmony.

But what I've been seeing is death and destruction. Strife and war. So much suffering. So much unnecessary suffering. That's the part that gets me. There's a way to stop this. If some people loosened up their hold on greed and money...we could fix the hunger problem.

I'm an idealist, I know. I'm still going to fight the good fight for the light though. There's plenty worth saving. I look forward to the day when there's more right than wrong. When people stand up even if their knees shake from fear. I hope to be one of them.

After Mel's critique

So, halfway through this year and so far...

Well, so far, it hasn't progressed at the speed I planned for it to.

The writing thing. Asia Minor has taken up most of my life the past three years.

Sunk cost fallacy. 

It's a real thing.

Numbing The Pain

I love animals.

I think all of them have souls, and what we've done is awful. 

What we've done to chickens and cows and pigs...I wish we didn't. I wish were better carnivores. Eat only when we should. Not this crazy excess of food. 

Is it capitalism? Is that what it all boils down to? Greed? 

Saving the Planet

I think humans are ruining this planet. That's not really an opinion, but a fact.

We're killing all kinds of creatures and ruining ecosystems for our own selfish gains.

And just when I start to get sick thinking about it, when I start thinking it's too late to fix it, I'm comforted by cosmic horror philosophy.

The idea that the universe doesn't give a shit about us comforts me. Because humans are stupid and greedy and the universe is indifferent to what humans want. We're nothing compared to the billions of dust already out there in the universe.

I'll bet there are a couple of Earth-like planets already out there that are even better than this one. Maybe we got the shit version. Who knows?

All I know is that there have been five massive extinctions in Earth and we're on our way to a 6th one.  We're probably rushing the time table along with our lack of movement re global warming, rising oceans, and lack of clean water.

It's warped of me, I'm sure, but knowing that the Earth has a reset button calms me down. I don't have to do anything. What will happen will happen.

George Carlin has a talk about it.  I don't need to save the planet. "The planet is fine. The people are fucked."

Why does our possible extinction calm me down? I don't know. I think I don't really have too much hope in the human race these days. We seem to bring more misery than joy in everything we touch. 

Blessed, not stressed

I have been spending less on beauty products the past few months.  At first, out of necessity, because we're on a budget, but now, because I'm realizing I don't actually need whatever it is I'm supposed to be buying.

I've got plenty of foundation bottles to empty still. I'd need to use it every day for two years to finish it all.

Eyeshadows? Well, I think one hundred will do plenty of shading nicely.

Lipsticks is the same.

Lotions is the same.

Basically, I don't need anything to feel pretty. Well prettier. I think I'm pretty enough in my own skin.

But capitalism is a monster of sorts.

It's very good at making you think you're not good enough as is.  That if you buy something a little extra, you'll be better than you are, when what you are is already something amazing to start with.

Then you start to forget that shit and start thinking that the shit you bought is what makes you amazing. And that's just not true.

I think living like this is a good thing. It reminds me of what is important. Having food, getting basic bills paid, some flowers, some gas for the car, some medicine for my animals and me...well, that's all I need.

Well, and Paul and my family and friends.

I'm an incredibly blessed woman.

Blowing the Eraser's Dust

Paul is out of town and I was excited for that b/c when he’s out of town, I get a shit ton of work done. Not that he’s a hindrance or anything, it’s just I like him so much and we have so much fun together that I can’t focus 100% when he’s here. So, when he’s not here, I try to get as much work as I can done.